Monday, December 31, 2007

Dear Wanderer

I just got an email from a friend with the above salutation. It's funny 'coz I just started reading The Alchemist. The story starts off with a shepherd boy who dreams of seeing the world. Sounds familiar? ;).

This vacation turned out to be my best vacation ever in so many levels. PB and Bro. Clint picked me up at the San Francisco airport. The next day we went snowboarding in Lake Tahoe. I've passed by the Lake Tahoe area before during my first cross-country trip. It's even more beautiful in the winter. The day after, I worshipped in Redwood City. It was great to see so many familiar faces. Then my friend, Botoul, picked me up from Bro. Clint's house and we headed to Fremont. I also worshipped in Fremont and was surprised to see our former minister in Philadelphia who I did not get along with. Rumor has it that Armando married his sister-in-law. I was pleasantly surprised that I did not have ill feelings for him and his wife. I sincerely hugged them both. I am really thankful that, if it weren't for them, probably, I would have not left Philadelphia. I am in a very happy place in my life right now, so it really all worked out. :) I didn't even care to ask about Armando. I'm sure now that he is not the kind of person I would have wanted to spend the rest of my life with anyway.

My mini-reunion with my college friends was just fabulous. They were just an inspiring bunch of women. Yesterday, Mel, my high school friend picked me up at Botoul's condo. I didn't get a chance to tell Mel that I was heading to the Bay area. It's a good thing though that apparently she subscribes to my blog! :) And although she doesn't leave any comments, she said that she tries to skim through my stories. Thanks, Mel! It was great spending time with you again. After lunch, she dropped me off at Jun's house. The house sits almost at the top of a steep hill. We were afraid that I would trip over on my high heels and fall all the way to the bottom of the hill ;). The view was gorgeous, though. Jun has a daughter now and a son on the way. It seemed just like yesterday when were children ourselves.

Last night, here in Daly City, we had the year-end prayer at Church. They also had a wonderful program afterwards. There are about 1,000 brethren here. It was so nice to be a part of the celebration. The Rosales family, as usual, has been very welcoming. PB will be joining me later here for our New Year's Eve celebration at Ate Tess' house. My flight back is tomorrow. I will be leaving California temporarily. The minute I land in Indiana, I will start bidding my long goodbye. Indiana has been great to me but I have a feeling that it's really not the place for me.

2008 year looks to be an exciting year. The top 8 things I would like to happen next year in somewhat chronological order.

1. Win a fellowship to help pay for my trip to Guatemala

2. Meet Tala and Caroline in an exotic place.

3. Meet with Glenda and Edith in NY or DC

4. Drive cross-country for the second time

5. Do a month-long elective at Stanford

6. Publish my research in Pediatric Radiology

7. Enjoy Guatemala

8. End the year in the Philippines with my family


Happy New Year to all!!!

Netflix

So there we were, four Mount Holyoke women catching up and enjoying a lovely Thai dinner. One Christian, one Muslim, one Buddhist, one atheist. One Filipina, one Afghan, one Vietnamese, one Bulgarian. Some of the Mount Holyoke themes came to mind, "many women, one Mount Holyoke", "uncommon women on common ground". One is a third-year medical student at IU, one has a master's in chemistry from UC Berkeley, one is a Hematology/Oncology fellow at UCLA, one has a PhD in Computer Science from Carnegie Mellon.

Oh yeah, and on the way to the restaurant, we passed by the Netflix headquarters.

Saturday, December 29, 2007

so, what do you think of him?

my college friends are funny. they have been trying to set me up with their filipino friend for a while now. i guess, the natural thinking is that i'm interested in filipino guys. i'm not so sure, actually. we've had discussions on pros and cons of dating within and outside your own race. i suppose in the end you choose someone similar to your own background, culture and beliefs. it is probably just so much easier that way. less complicated. but i'll probably take complicated over boring ;).

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Benazir

I am here at my Afghan friend's apartment, just finished eating breakfast. I turned on the computer and read the sad news. We were just at a Pakistani restaurant last night. My friend is Muslim and I am Christian. We had a good talk last night about Islam and Christianity.

Saturday, December 22, 2007

The Proper Way

I have been a Children's Worship Service Teacher for a little over 15 years now. Almost half of my lifetime! :) In the bigger congregations, there were usually four of us who alternated teaching. Here in Indianapolis, I pretty much teach every week. Lately, I have been given one Sunday off a month. I must admit that I used to be more diligent in my preparation. A lesson is usually based on about 15 verses and I used to look them all up. I would then write out my "lesson plan" which consisted of questions and lesson applications. Sometimes, I wrote out my prayers, too. Here are some of the verses for tomorrow's lesson. The theme of the lesson is the proper way of worshiping God.

Romans 12:1 NIV

Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship.

Psalm 29:2 NKJV

Give unto the LORD the glory due to His name;
Worship the LORD in the beauty of holiness.


Proverbs 3:7 NIV

Do not be wise in your own eyes;
fear the LORD and shun evil.


Psalms 118:6

The LORD is with me; I will not be afraid.
What can man do to me?



I try to impress upon the children that the assembling of ourselves together is very important. It is our primary duty. God waits for us during the worship service. We had a snowstorm here last Sunday, just in time for our Annual Thanksgiving worship service. I don't think that anyone missed the service. The brethren living outside Indianapolis did not take chances and got hotel rooms in town the night before. I woke up early to shovel and thaw out my car. The roads were icy so I was praying all the way to the place of worship. One family's car spun around but they were kept safe. During the children's worship service, I asked the children to enumerate some of the things that we are thankful for in the past year. One boy stood up and said that he is very thankful that God continues to keep us safe through bad weather. Yep, neither rain nor sleet nor snow can stop us from worshiping :).

Jodie is out

One of my favorite movies is The Silence of the Lambs. It came out my senior year of high school. I've always liked Jodie Foster since then although I can't really say that I liked most of her other movies. What do I think about homosexuality?
Well, I do believe it is a sin. But again, I don't really tell people to their face that they will burn in hell because of their sexual preference. I do have friends who are gay, lesbian, or bisexual. I haven't had the inclination to tell them to renew their ways. If they were my children, that would probably be another story. I would probably start the conversation with something like, "I understand that you are attracted to your own gender, but that doesn't mean that you should act on it."

Friday, December 21, 2007

7 rotation months

under my belt! Woohoo!! Only about 4 1/2 months to go for third year. I still have Psychiatry and the dreaded Surgery block. I anticipate busy times ahead. :)

So for now, a commercial break on my academic life. I leave Monday for San Francisco to meet up with PB. We then head to Lake Tahoe with the Redwood City brethren to ski/snowboard. (I'll try not to break my neck, mom ;)). I have not seen the brethren there since I was at Stanford the summer of 1994! I am also meeting up with a couple of college friends whom I have not seen since graduation. I'm looking forward to having facetime with friends and family. Online communication is very convenient but probably somewhat artificial. Making an effort to reach out in person is probably what counts in the end.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Words of comfort

There are people who are blessed with the ability to provide words of comfort. They calm our anxiousness. They make us believe again in ourselves. They support us. They encourage us. They makes us laugh even though we want to cry. They remind us that God loves us. We hold on dearly to them as we should. We are blessed that they are a part of our lives.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

ESP

Sometimes I think I can sense things somehow. Take for example, yesterday, I wrote about goodbyes. And today, sure enough, I found the reason why I had to say goodbye :). Coincidence? I think not ;). Goodbyes are great. It gives you a sense of peace, a sense of closure. I can't wait to finish here. Less than 17 months and counting...

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Goodbye

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

--------------------------------

I was studying with a friend tonight and this song came on. I like the melody so I tried to catch the lyrics. Then I realized that this is the song! I turned to my friend and said that this is the perfect theme song for me and the boy she also knows. She laughed and she told me that she was thinking the same thing. We had a heart-to-heart talk about dating 101, american-style, the other night. I agreed with her assessment that he's just not into me. Oh well, it looks like we are heading in different directions, anyway. So it doesn't really matter. Paalam, sinta!

Monday, December 17, 2007

Another one bites the dust

PB just shared with me the wedding photos. Wow! Unbelievable..
For the record, I just want to welcome Abi to our family. Obviously this was not the kind of wedding we would have wanted. But of course, we don't hold any ill feelings since we're just not that kind of family. We're all about unconditional love naman, di ba? :) Congratulations to the bride and groom! See you around this time next year. May you both have time to reflect on faith and what it means to both of you.

wewe's wedding

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Wireless Wonder

I thought I needed a DSL installation CD for my laptop to connect to the internet. I ordered the CD the day after Thanksgiving but it never came. My laptop just sat here. It was a bit anticlimactic considering I waited maybe 5 hours in the cold just to purchase it. By the time the store opened, I was practically friends with my linemates :). I now can understand how people can get hurt during a stampede haha.

After getting an earful from a friend about my silly ramblings, I needed to fixate on other things ;). No more silly talk from now on ( well, at least for tonight :)). So I worked on getting my wireless router set up without the CD. Success!

Look ma, no wires! No attachments, but definitely connected! :)

Friday, December 14, 2007

Girl talk

This is just another one of my imaginative boy stories. So if you're sick about hearing them, you can skip to my next post :).

So yesterday, I saw him again down the hallway, twice, as a matter of fact. The first time, I immediately turned left but I was with my attending and he wanted to go straight instead. I waved the first time. I said hello the second time.

I just finished meeting with my research advisor just a few minutes ago. She's leaving for Australia so she wanted to make sure that I am making progress on my research. Since she'll be gone for at least 6 months, I figured I better ask some questions now.

Is he gay?

No, of course not!

Is he still single?

Yes, and he is very lonesome.

He seems nice.

He is very nice that is why I wanted the both of you to meet in the first place. I am hoping that the two of you..

Is it allowed since I am student?

It happens all the time...



He seems to be a really nice person. He does make me smile. He seems to be the kind of guy who'll "baby" me. But when I look at him, I see a typical life in suburban America. I am not really sure that that is what I want. But who really knows what I want? :)

Time is definitely not on my side. Some might say that there is a clock that ticks, ticks, ticks ;). But they say that patience is virtue. I googled "holding pattern love". This quotation came up:

Steadfastness, that is holding on;
patience, that is holding back;
expectancy, that is holding the face up;
obedience, that is holding one’s self in readiness to go or do;
listening, that is holding quiet and still so as to hear.

Good Dream

I was supposed to be studying last night but I was so sleepy after I got home so I did not get around to it. I remember drifting off to sleep sort of composing in my head a post about the "perfect" child. I was going to write about how too often in a children's hospital there can be a lot of grief- mostly grief about the loss of the dream of having a "perfect" child. It must be so devastating to hear that your child will not be the same as the other kids. But today is not a day for sad posts, so I will not think about my kids until I see them again tomorrow.

I just want to record that I had a good dream last night. In my dream, on the cover of the PASUGO, there was a chapel and a medical clinic right next to it. There seemed to be a caption stating that there is a sister who runs this clinic. The place is Santa something, Santa Rosa, maybe? In my dream, I just assumed that it was in California. I remember thinking that I will plan on volunteering there for a month and see how the clinic is run. It's interesting that the clinic seems to be right next to the chapel. Then suddenly I was there at the clinic, with students sitting in a classroom. The clinic looked like a converted school. Anyways, the moment I woke up, I realized that it was just a dream. We don't really have clinics connected to a chapel. But I thought it was an interesting idea..

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Courtship Filipino-Style

I have been writing about the people I like with the hopes that I stop liking them. Today, I want to write about someone who annoys me with the hopes that my annoyance goes away.

There is this Filipino saying, "Walang matimtimang birhen sa matiyagang manalangin."
It roughly translates to - if you like a girl, persevere in getting her attention and she will eventually come around. But this girl is definitely annoyed and there is no chance that she will ever come around.

Last night, after devotional prayer, I literally ran to my car so he would not get a chance to talk to me. But he still followed. So annoying! Here's the plan for tonight. If he talks to me, I'll just tell him straight up to please stop because he is totally annoying me. I am not a mean person. I am definitely not a man-hater. I just don't like it when people are too friendly especially if they don't even know me. There is friendly and there is annoying friendly. I know, I know we're supposed to love the brethren. As soon as he stops talking to me and getting into my personal space, maybe then we can be friends :). It looks like I am really destined to be an old maid! ;)

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Process of Elimination

Someone once told me that it's possible to "love" more than one person at the same time. I vehemently disagreed. Maybe it is possible to "like" more than one person at the same time. PB tells me that he is attracted to pretty much all of his female friends :). How can that be? He said that he just stays in touch with them and when the time comes that he is ready for a relationship, he'll just pick from amongst them haha. I am probably on the insecure side. I would definitely not like it if the guy has a lot of female friends :).

So hospitals are not good places to "like" somebody :). The hospital is small and you're bound to bump into one another. It looks like that he is the attending physician for his specialty this week. My first day back at this hospital and guess who I bump into on my way out the emergency room? I managed to say hello :). I was a little bit shocked that I didn't even manage to say hi to the fellow he was with. I was on their service earlier in the year so I pretty much know everyone in their department. This morning after pre-rounding, guess who I saw again on the hallway. I instinctively tried to "hide", took a sharp turn and almost hit the wall :). Silly me! I had nowhere else to go so I proceeded down the hallway and said hello. This silliness gotta stop haha. I need to get back on track on the research project we're working on so I probably should suggest that we sit down and discuss the project. No personal discussions, just purely academic ;).

Friday, December 07, 2007

Laundry Mat

I was "on-call" for Neurology tonight. Basically, that means that I have to follow a resident after hours typically from 4 p.m. to 10 p.m. to see new patients. The resident on-call paged me around 5:15 p.m. After seeing 2 patients in about an hour's time, she let us go home. Gotta love Neurology calls :). The first patient was a woman with known epilepsy who just delivered a baby this morning. We suspected pseudoseizures after multiple unsuccessful IV placement attempts. The second patient was a guy ready to be discharged. He was admitted for a stroke workup.

When we walked into his room, his wife was there at the bedside. The resident introduced me and the wife got excited that she knows me. So I was trying to figure out how she knows me. Was she one of my previous patients? Does she work at the neighborhood diner I go too? Maybe she works at Bar-B-Q heaven? I was thinking hard but I just couldn't place her. I figured I'll just ask her when it's time for us to leave. But her husband beat me to it :). He asked her how she knows me. She said that she knows me from the laundry mat. Oh yeah, how can I forget? I just remember seeing her there last week. Her dad is the minister of the church who owns the strip mall at the corner which includes the laundry mat. It's funny how sometimes you don't recognize people when you see them in unexpected places.

I think I have been telling you all that I want to go to Central/South America. My good friend Edith lives in Ecuador but her husband will get reassigned next July so I was waiting to decide which country to go to based on their assignment. Her husband is in Foreign Service. But an opportunity came up through my school so I have made a decision sooner rather than later. I'll be going to Guatemala! It's not until October 2008 but I'm already planning for it :). I just got my new passport yesterday issued by the Chicago consulate ( My 3 previous passports were issued in Manila, New York, and Washington D.C., I have really moved a lot!)

So mom, I don't really have an idea how safe the country is. But can you really imagine any other single gal more adventurous and more adaptable than me? ;). So I think I will be ok. And yes dad, there is a group worship service in Guatemala. I would really love to meet the brethren there. PB, since you're earning a lot of money now, be sure to make the final payments on our house :). (In PB's congregation there's actually a sister who serves as a Spanish translator during the worship service. I'll make it a point to meet her when I visit PB.)

So I think my dream of being able to visit all our places of worship all over the world is slowly but surely becoming a reality. I once dreamed that I'll be a minister's wife and be assigned to all these places. But you know what, I realized that with me being single, I actually have more flexibility in visiting and living in all of these places. Funny how life turns out. I think I may just have conquered one of my final major fears. I used to have a fear of being raped. I got past that. I still pray that it will never happen but you know what, even if it did, I know I will survive that. I used to have a fear that I will not have children. But now I think, I can always adopt. I used to have a fear of being single, especially living and working in a country other than the US and the Philippines. But I've met quite a few remarkable women who make these kind of plans irregardless of their relationship status. And of course, there always have been men who make plans without regard to their marital status. So I am making plans as a single woman. A husband would be nice ;). But obviously not necessarily a prerequisite for my plans to work out. Someone told me once that God doesn't necessarily give everyone a partner in life. Who knows what God has in store for me? I think I'll be happy either way :). A friend was just trying to set me up with his brother today. I just smiled. I have places to go.. ;).

Syncope-Free

About a year ago, I passed out for the first time the day before our Pathology finals. So when I saw the 2nd-year students lining up to take their finals today, it brought a smile to my face. It's been almost a year and I have been syncope-free :). Yay, I made it! It looks like I am in good health and I am really grateful for that.

My past medical history is fairly benign. I've had acne since I was 10. I used to have nosebleeds but I outgrew them. I used to have motion sickness but I outgrew that, too. I had the usual childhood diseases. Vaccinations were optional when I was growing up :). I had measles, mumps, and also chickenpox. I may have had the flu once but I'm not really sure. And let's not forget the parasites: intestinal worms and pinworms haha! Past surgical history: I had an appendectomy when I was 14. I had jaw and chin surgery when I was 23 to correct my bite. No current medications. No supplements although I probably should take some calcium. No known drug allergies.

So, when I passed out last year, it was a bit scary. What if there's something wrong? I didn't go to the doctor then. I figured, I'll go if it happens again within the year. And it looks like, so far, so good :).

I just saw my favorite Path professor on the way over here to the library. He said he "lost" one of the students during the exam. Apparently, the student just went up to him during the exam and said that there is something wrong with her. She was in a state of total confusion and she couldn't even remember his name. He sent her to the ER to get an evaluation and a head CT. The things that preparing for a Path exam can do to you :).

Monday, November 19, 2007

Death

Today was my last day in leukemia clinic. My spirits were up. My first patient was a woman who had acute lymphoblastic leukemia, in remission now for 5 years. Fast forward to the last patient, somebody with the same leukemia not responding to 2 rounds of chemo. It was the first time I got to witness the process of breaking bad news.

"I'm sorry that we find ourselves here.."

The patient seemed in shock. All she could say was that she didn't expect this. Her husband looked around as if he was trying to find cues on how to process the information. I couldn't help but to look down. My tears were starting to form although I just met the patient. His tears started falling.

I can't imagine what their Thanksgiving would be like. Another chemo doesn't sound promising. They will be thinking about whether it's best to let the disease run its present course. Waiting for death.. aah what a journey that must be.

At the end, my preceptor shook the couple's hand and said, "God bless." What else can you really say at this point? I shook their hands. God bless..

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Lunch

So he emailed me back and said I can come by his house anytime I want :). See, he is super nice! I've been studying with my friend Karla (mom- that's not a typo, Karla not Karlo :)). She's actually Iglesia, too! She was five when her family moved here to the US. Isn't it amazing that we ended up in the same medical school class here at IU? I'm actually in her apartment using her laptop now. I am waiting till the after Thanksgiving sale to get one. So I told her all about him and she is interested in meeting him. There are not too many Filipino faculty around. So I emailed him back to let him know that both of us are coming :).

We have an exam this Wednesday so I better get back to studying. I promise I will call home as soon as I am done with the exam. I will also get my ticket to San Francisco then. I plan on spending New Year's with PB and probably the Rosales family. We'll also probably meet up with the Glindros. PB should have met them yesterday since they had a district Bible exposition in San Jose.

Friday, November 16, 2007

Heart Jumping

If I plot out my blogwriting vs my emotions, they should be directly proportional to each other. So on days that I don't write, most likely I'm just lost in everyday routineness. Or it could also be that I'm trying my best to keep my emotions in check.

Whenever my heart jumps, my immediate thought is to write something about it. So instead of studying, I'm writing right now ;). Today, my schedule put me in the same hospital for the whole day. So I decided to eat at the hospital cafeteria. I saw one of my classmates who I have not seen for a while so we chitchat over lunch. Since I normally don't pay attention to my surroundings and she was telling me the romantic story of how she met his new boyfriend, I didn't notice him right away. So he was there in his black leather jacket smiling and waving at me. I smiled and waved back. A part of me wanted to get up and follow him so I can ask him how he is doing. I told her who he is and even though we only had him for one or two lectures, she too remembers thinking then that he is so dashing :). I also told her that I have confirmed in a roundabout way that he is not straight so I don't really understand why my heart jumps every time I see him. She just reassured me that sometimes you can't help but have some sort of attraction to the wrong person. I don't even think now that he's all that cute. But there is just this general niceness about him that I seem to respond to. As I was telling my friend that he makes my heart jump, placing my hand to my chest, he happened to walk by again! I just hope that he did not overhear my silliness :).

But anyways, I think I do want to be friends with him. Probably the only way that this heart will stop jumping is by spending more time with him. So I'll shoot him an email now and suggest that he invite me over to his house for dinner. Maybe his boyfriend will cook up something fabulous :).

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Advance Directives

Today we had an ethics discussion. At the end, we were encouraged to let our loved ones know about our advance directives for our end-of-life medical care. Basically, I think I don't want any extraordinary measures/artificial nutrition in the event that I have no chance of recovery. It's hard to think about my own mortality. I meant to sign up as an organ donor when I renewed my driver's license earlier this year. But I hesitated yet again.

Note to self: Try to sign up for the Ethics elective my senior year. It should be interesting to think about ethical dilemmas all month long.

The last time I took an Ethics class was my first semester of college. We read writings of dead, male, white philosophers sort of viewed through a feminist lens. I remember talking about the good life, phallic symbols, justice, etc. My final 20-page paper was on nature and female imagery.

Monday, November 12, 2007

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Guilty as Charged

In the hustle and bustle of things, I sometimes find myself frustrated. I actually did not feel like going to the devotional prayer last night. The prayer is for a Bible study this Saturday. I thought that maybe I should just stay home and pray on my own. I felt that the time it takes for me to go there is better spent actually inviting visitors. But I think the real frustration stems from the fact that I am really not good at inviting visitors. As I drove there anyhow, I thought that wouldn't it be nice if I'm off in a strange land somewhere, where the church has not taken roots yet and that I set up shop there. Then I would have a whole village to invite! Then my whole focus would be all about worship and service. Every breath would be a prayer. So I got to the prayer maybe 5 minutes late, uncharacteristically but good for me, the prayer has not started yet. At least 4 other people out of 12 were not there. I don't know, having less people than the day before made it more intimate for me. We sang a hymn and prayed. I felt His presence and my frustrations vanished. We are God's children everywhere we may be. I should not just imagine that the only way I would be a better servant is if I'm off somewhere. That actually would be a much easier task, not having the usual distractions of life. What is probably more admirable are the hearts of those who in both the ordinariness and complexities of their lives amidst this chaotic world, still find themselves strong and steadfast in their faith, not ever frustrated of their duties, united with those who lead us, always seeing the big picture as to what would be best for the Church as a whole so that we may all be holy and blameless, ready to meet Christ, our Savior.

Crutches

We got to play with crutches today. The shortest and the tallest were called upon to do the honors. I stood up immediately, rhetorically asking if anyone else is less than 5 feet tall :). Of the 270+ students in my class, I am probably the 2nd or 3rd shortest. Of course, the others had to look around first and had a harder time figuring out amongst themselves who is the tallest. Maybe tall people don't really size each other up that much. If someone is shorter than me, I definitely notice :).

It took me a while to figure out how to work the crutches. As you know my motor coordination leaves a lot to be desired :) I've never had to get crutches before. It is actually hard work not to have perfectly functioning legs. So as I walked afterwards I had greater appreciation of my legs.

Which reminds me, I want to share that I have theme songs whenever I walk :).

Walking out of the house- pretty woman walking down the street..

If it's really nice and sunny- i see skies of blue and clouds of white, the bright blessed day.... what a wonderful world; or i'm walking on sunshine...

If it's raining- i'll never let you see, the way my broken heart is hurtin' me, i've got my pride and i know how to hide all my sorrows and pain, i'll do my crying in the rain..

If I'm wearing boots- these boots are made for walking, and that's just what they'll do, one of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you.

When walking a lot- i would walk 500 miles and i would walk 500 more...

When there's pretty snow- walking in the winter wonderland..

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Skin Cancer

Today in Derm clinic, I mostly saw presumed skin cancers. I even had the chance to biopsy and excise one out. I don't think I know anybody back home who has skin cancer. Our darker color gives us a lot of protection. My dad has lots of moles, different sizes, different colors. I think he said that one physician advised him to have one of the larger ones be taken out. He points out that the physician is long dead and he is still alive and kicking :).

Monday, November 05, 2007

Mondays

I have hematology clinic on Monday mornings. Most of the patients I have seen have some form of leukemia or "preleukemia". Due to genetic changes causing abnormal cell proliferation, normal cells in their bone marrow are being replaced with abnormal ones. We check their white cell, hemoglobin and platelet counts at each visit. I feel like a cheerleader most of the time. Mrs. A, your counts look great today. Mr. B, there is no evidence that the cancer has come back. But sometimes, we have to say that there is nothing else that we can do. Sometimes we also say that there is this experimental drug that is new that might be worth a try. I'm always tempted to say that it's worth a shot, even if the odds are one in a million. My preceptor reminds me that most of the time, a slight possibility of success is not worth the try especially if the odds are too low and the risks are high.

We have devotional prayer tonight. Odds versus prayers, no competition :).

Sunday, November 04, 2007

Meet the Baby

So what do four female medical students do for fun on a lazy Sunday afternoon?
Well, after having an excellent lunch and spending quality time with the baby, we played "Wii". I guess I can describe it as virtual sports. You can play tennis, golf, boxing, bowling, etc. I was a pretty good boxer, ok tennis player, so-so bowler. But I think in real life, it should be the opposite. I'd like to think that I am good bowler haha.

We also watched football. Unfortunately, our team lost :(. This is only the 3rd game I've watched in its entirety. So don't ask me what I know about football 'coz I really don't know much. Our team won the Super Bowl last year so I'm trying to pay attention :). That is if I don't fall asleep watching the game ;).

P.S. I just got news from another classmate that she's expecting, too! All these baby news is making me want one. Maybe I should start dating, as in right now haha :). Ready or not, I am taking the big plunge. I might fall hard, get hurt, but who cares. At least nobody can say that I was afraid to try. Stay tuned ;).

Saturday, November 03, 2007

Wishard photo




Taken after our noon conference with a visiting physician from China.

Men In Yoga Pants

I still don't know what to think of men who like yoga. There are 4 men in my yoga class. They are kinda amusing :).

Thursday, November 01, 2007

Think of me, think of me fondly..

I introduced myself to my 81-year-old patient. He asked me to repeat my name. I repeated it slowly suspecting that he is hard of hearing. I proceeded to show my ID to help him out. He seemed lost in thought. I turned to his wife and showed my ID. She smiled knowingly. "His ex-girlfriend's name is Myra," she said. I smiled, "Oh, ok.. How long have you two been married?". "58 years," she said.

I remember the car radio playing..

Unforgettable, that's what you are..
Unforgettable though near or far..

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Study Tips

I just saw an old friend who had to take a leave of absence last year. I tried to pass on some "study" tips. I really struggle in studying. When PB was here he was asking why he never saw me open a book. Or if he did see me holding one I was fast asleep. It's very hard for me to focus. I have some sort of learning disability :).
But each day, I try to learn something new so I am hoping that I am building up my knowledge base slowly but surely.

So she said she failed the Neuro exam. I told her that I passed just by studying the old exam questions. Not the best way to study probably but I somehow passed. She said she really wants to understand every detail so she is overwhelmed. I've noticed this with some other friends as well. I think it is admirable to want to understand everything but at what point do you let go so you don't get overwhelmed? But I think for some people they just have this baseline anxiousness that they have learned to live with. Maybe it's what drives them to do their best. I told her that I just wanted to get through with the hopes that I will understand the details in the future. She is a very smart woman. She did much better than me in our Master's program. We used to study together and it seemed that I never knew anything. I told her that she just needs to remember that if I somehow made it through she should be able to as well. I wish her the best!

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Library

I am here at the library partly by choice, but mostly by necessity :).
You see, it's starting to get cold out here in the American Midwest. We just had our first frost the other day. I still have no heat at the house plus my home computer is dead. So I came here tonight hoping that I can get some work done.
I like this library. It inspires me, challenges me and moves me! And since I just woke up from a 3-hour "nap", apparently, it also rocks me to sleep ;). The library is closing in a few minutes. I did have good intentions but I guess no studying is happening tonight. Until tomorrow then!

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Changing Templates

It's about time that I change the color of my blog. Lots of changes happening. Changing hair colors.. changing plans.. changing dreams, just lots of changes. With each change certain things get lost in the wayside. I used to have this counter which tells me how many visitors stop by my blog. But now, it's gone. I guess I could put it back on. But maybe now I can write more freely into the unknown ;).

Saturday, October 27, 2007

Meeting His Girlfriend

So a few nights ago, I dreamt that I would see him with his new girlfriend at the library last night. So I went but I didn't see them. Maybe I'll meet her some other time. In my dream, his girlfriend is tall, boyish cut brown hair, pretty, wearing scrubs.

Today I went to get an oil change. Typical me, I was oblivious to my surroundings. As I turned around after paying at the cashier, guess who said hello. Another classmate, a previous rotation partner! Apparently his girlfriend noticed that I was carrying around a review book. Funny that he was also carrying around a review book. Typical med students us hahah. We used to go to the operating room with me complaining that my scrubs are too long. He mentioned that his girlfriend is about my size and she orders her scrubs from a specific place. So I asked her to pass on the information to me. Hopefully, the days of ill-fitting scrubs would be over :).

Friday, October 26, 2007

The Empty Room

The room seems bigger. There's some sense of loss. There's also a bit of freedom regained. No more dinners to come home to. I will have to clean and take out the trash again on my own;). No more worrying when he'll get a job, though. Good luck to my brother as he goes out in the real world!

I finished another rotation. I got 4 social invites from classmates within the last 24 hours. The best time for most of us to get together is right after a rotation. We swap stories, catch up, renew old friendships and nurture new ones.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Losing Stuff

My computer died last night. So I got to thinking whether I own anything that I can't afford to lose. Really, nothing. I came to this country with 2 suitcases. I intend to leave with 2. Probably not with the suitcases I came in with although I still have them. I like change. I will get new suitcases.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Friday, October 12, 2007

Hi Doc!

You probably miss me so I thought I'd stop for a second and share some of my thoughts today..

A man in a wheelchair said hello as the three of us in our white coats walked hurriedly past the hospital entrance. I smiled politely as my classmate said hi back. I thought he was one of his patients. Then he asked me if that was my patient. I looked back and saw the patient looking still as if we had an unfinished conversation. I still could not remember if he was my patient. I ran through our list of 23 patients in my head and then it hit me that he was my patient! As I was busy typing my notes this morning, my resident mentioned that we are discharging him. He was transferred to our service 2 days ago, so before 7 am each morning, I have been waking him up to examine him and ask him how he is doing. He said he didn't feel ready to go this morning so I wasn't expecting that he will be going. I meant to stop by his room and say goodbye but I was rushing to finish my 'history and physical' for a patient we admitted last night. I don't like it when I don't get to say goodbye. I wanted to walk back and wish him well and remind him yet again to quit smoking. But we were late for a lecture so I didn't get a chance to do so. It would have only taken a second to say goodbye this morning. It's taking me minutes now to write about it.. Tomorrow, I will make it a point to say goodbye.

Sunday, September 30, 2007

Weekend Pictures

Lungs for Life 5K run



Bible study- Bloomington, Indiana



Before the Worship Service


Indianapolis Choir


Indianapolis Children's Worship Service Officers

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Love and Faith

My mom tells me that my brother is pushing through with a civil wedding in December. My brother understands that my parents will not be going. He had asked my grandparents who are not yet members of the Church to be his witnesses. I guess he is just continuing with family tradition. My dad just keeps quiet. I'm sure everything will work out in the end. But still, for the record, I must say, I do not approve. It's not exactly the ideal way to start forever. A friend who visited me last summer jokingly chastised me for having "crushes" on guys who are not from our Church. Another friend once told me that when these things happen one should just pray for the feelings to go away. If it's meant to go away, it will go away. And yes, surprisingly enough, you just wake up one day and it's all gone. Gone. Gone. Gone.

Monday, September 24, 2007

Little Orphan Me (the green dress)

It just hit me hard that I have been living life essentially as an "orphan". I can now understand the look of pity others have when I mention that I have not lived with my parents since I was 11. In the last 15 years, I have only seen my parents once. I imagined that I have an excellent relationship with them even though I only get to speak with them over the phone. It never occurred to me that it was not real. Does this give me then the entitlement to be childish (complete with tantrums)? ;) Can I ever reclaim all of the baby time I lost? Yikes, I am really so flawed. :)

But hopefully, my parents will be here soon enough. When they get here maybe I will get all the baby time I need. Until then, I will try to patiently wait my turn to be their baby. Special thanks to the green dress for letting me see life as it is and not as I imagined :).

Friday, September 21, 2007

Code Blue

Every time I hear Code Blue announced from the public address system, I feel like running. My heart pounds and sinks at the same time hoping that the patient survives. The patient is typically on the pulmonary unit. I ran once when I was seeing a patient just across the hall. It was actually a patient on our consult list who we have seen earlier. It seems that the whole hospital runs towards the unit. I don't really know why I ran since I am still not trained to handle a code. Thankfully, the patient made it. But yeah, every time I hear Code Blue I feel like running. But I stay put, hoping the day will come when I can be of help.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Women are from Venus

It's such a cliche. You expect men in your life to think and feel like you and they don't. Is it too much to ask that they try to anticipate how you would feel? :) You try to "protect" them from other women. But are you really protecting them or are you protecting yourself? You see another woman's hidden motivations a mile away and they just don't see it. Does it take a woman to read another woman? When you explain to them why you feel the way you do, it does sound silly. You kinda understand their perspective, that it's really not a big deal. Emotional "maturity". It's a long journey. One step at a time, maybe I'll get there. (Don't worry mom, I promise that I'll try my best to be a good big sister :)).

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

warm sunny days

i love days like this. i woke up around 10:00 a.m. left for school around 11:00 a.m. walked out to a lovely 73-degree weather (23 in Celsius). this month is my radiology research month. i really appreciate that i can come in whenever i feel like it. (i do try to stay for the whole 8 hours, so don't accuse of me being a slacker. ;)) yesterday, as i stared blankly at yet another CT scan, i asked myself, is this really what i am signing my life away for? :). i had lots of dreams last night, my mind must have been trying to reconcile a lot of stuff. and reconcile it did. i woke up wanting to look at more short gut imaging. so here i am, back at it.

Monday, September 17, 2007

Visualizing...




i saw this picture of one of our chapels online. can you also see me getting off a white limo with a long veil? ;) what do you think? haha

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Confessions of a Primadonna and Control Freak

(A big sister's note to her little brother.)

Dear PB,

A week from now, you should be here in Indianapolis. I can't imagine what sorts of emotions you are going through right now. You must be so excited to make the trip. At the same time, I know you must be anxious about working here. As you know, I am the eternal optimist, so I am telling you that things are going to work out for the best. The worst thing that could happen is that you wouldn't like working here. And even then, home is just a plane ride away. You must be asking yourself, how would you know that you made the right choice to come here? Here's the simple answer. If you find yourself even closer to God, taking up an office in the Church, perhaps, being more spiritually active in general; then you would know that this is where God wants you to be. I have even picked out an office for you :). What do you think of Finance (Pananalapi)? I think it would be a good fit.

And for the record, contrary to popular belief, I am not a primadonna nor a control freak ;). I can do up to 50% of the household chores. I'll do half of the cooking, cleaning, etc. Oh yeah, except for ironing. I don't really know how to iron and even if I did I wouldn't want to iron anyone else's clothes. I have plenty of my own clothes to iron, thank you very much. (Certainly, you can volunteer to iron my clothes, if you would like :)). And yes, I do like making suggestions. But don't you worry that I'll take it against you if you don't agree with my suggestions. Just don't come back to me whining, ok? :) Seriously, I would really like for you to make your own decisions. You can consult me every now and then. But please don't be afraid to make mistakes. That's really when you can learn the most.

I do think that we will get along fabulously. We're both easygoing and laidback. We both want the best for our family. I am sure that all of them are cheering us on! :)
See you soon!

Ate Mhy

Saturday, September 15, 2007

ER humor

Growing up, there were Reader's digests lying around in the house. My dad must have had a subscription. I especially liked the vocabulary and jokes/funny stories sections. I learned last summer that one of my med school classmates actually had one of her funny stories published there. It inspired me to think that maybe I could also publish one of mine someday. I think that there is a section called All in a Day's Work. (Hmmm, is there also one called Laughter is the Best Medicine?)

So I worked in the ER today. I absolutely love working there. Sometimes you just click with some of your patients. They are appreciative that you care for and actually care about them. Sometimes they are delighted that you are actually funny, too. Today, I actually had one of those patients. This is his story.

A 32-year-old white male comes to the ER complaining of a deep laceration in his forearm gushing with blood sustained early in the morning. He had been drinking and fell through a glass window. As we prepare to suture him, the registration person comes in and hands him some paperwork.

Registration: Sir, this paper explains payment procedures for those without insurance.
Patient: I wonder how much all of these would cost me.
Med student: It would cost you an arm!
Patient: It would cost cost me an arm and a leg?
Doctor: No, just an arm.

I know it's probably not as funny on paper. But the patient's family laughed really hard. It definitely made my day :).

Saturday, September 08, 2007

Michigan On My Mind

My port of entry 15 years ago was Detroit, Michigan. I finally got to see the chapel and attend the worship service there last January. A friend started his fellowship there this past summer. My rotation partner in Peds grew up there. A friend's boyfriend will start a job there next month. A classmate is about to date someone who lives there. Finally, my radiology mentor told me the other day that she knows of this small residency program there that might take someone who has below average grades and board scores. She is suggesting that I do an away rotation there next year to up my chances. All along I've been thinking of some place warmer like Texas. But I guess, Michigan it is!

Thursday, September 06, 2007

Physician Under Siege

During my very first day in my Family Medicine rotation last month, the office staff were abuzz that there is this doctor being investigated for overprescribing strong narcotics and short-acting anti-anxiety drugs. I didn't really pay much attention. I overheard them saying his name as Dr. Minilo (?). In the next few days, my preceptor would get calls from his former patients wanting to know if she would prescribe the narcotics for them. I think I already wrote about my preceptor's position on this matter and so the answer was no. One day, we had one of his former patients come in as a "work-in" (walk-in)patient. The receptionist wrote out on front of the chart that this is a former patient of his. So I read his actual last name and it is actually the same as Bro. Felix's. So I told my preceptor that he could actually be Filipino and I tried to educate her with the correct pronunciation. I guess it's hard for some Americans to pronounce the "a" sound like in apple in his name. So anyways, it occurred to me to google him and see where he went to medical school. And in fact, he graduated from UP. He is a cardiologist but he would have patients on cash basis in his office even until after midnight waiting for a prescription. It would be sad if his motivation was primarily money. I guess it would be too naive to believe that he just really wanted to ease his patients' pain and anxiety. But clearly boundaries have been crossed in this case.

Time for some pictures. I spent last weekend with college friends Tala and Carolyn.

Tala is growing an organic lettuce garden. I was tasked to pick some for lunch.


This is where Tala works. Carolyn dreams of working here next year. I dream of using some of the "appropriate technology" developed here someday.













I took this picture of the Seattle chapel. It was a very spiritual worship service last Sunday. The district minister of Australia happened to officiate the service. His daughter residing here got married last weekend.




Waiting for the Dave Matthews concert at the Gorge amphitheater, quite possibly the most gorgeous outdoor concert venue.











Tala and Julio (her husband) salsa dancing. Tala and Carolyn are avid salseras so we salsa danced for 2 nights. I probably should take lessons. My hips still do not want to move. I still yet to find my inner "landi" (flirt) ;).




Carolyn is running a half-marathon next month. She has inspired me to sign up for a 5K run this month. I'll be sure to ask PB to take pictures of me running then :).

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

The Dread Has Lifted

I just ran into one of my neighbors who gives me updates on the 'hood since most of the time I am oblivious to what's going on. The house across me has been boarded up. My neighbor who I suspect may have broken into my house before and probably stolen packages on my porch has been arrested last Sunday. He is one creepy guy. He was a new neighbor last year so I let him cut grass for me before. He also helped me clear snow a few times. He just creeped me out because I would used to go home from the library at midnight and he would cross to my side of the street as soon as I pull over. Everytime I come home it seems that he is watching me. I am glad that he is now locked up.

The other guy who lives next to me is also gone. He was also a new neighbor last year. I also suspect that he has broken into my house a number of times. I thought he was a person to trust. He was helping me fix my house. Last month, he knocked asking for sandwich bags. I told him to come back some other time. A few days later I noticed that my door was open and my sandwich bags were gone. For the next few days, I would come home and my door would be open. My window was not fixed properly so it was easy to pry it open. I didn't really notice anything else missing at first until on the fifth day or so my little refrigerator was gone. That really pissed me off. I confronted him but of course he denied that he took it. I got the refrigerator for $30 I think at a pawn shop so it wasn't really valuable. But I was just pissed that he would steal from me. Since then he has not been able to look me in the eye. So for a month now I don't even have any cold beverages. And I think he also stole my friend's old checkbook which he left on his side of the house 3 years ago. I would get these letters that his checks have bounced. Of course he didn't write them because he is in the Navy. But anyways, apparently he moved out of the neighborhood last Saturday. So it looks like in one weekend both of my shady neighbors left. Sweet!

On a much happier note, I heard this really cheesy 80s song on the radio the other day and it might just be my song of the moment. It keeps playing in my head. I will write part of the lyrics here with the hopes that it will go away ;).

The Colour of Love
Billy Ocean

If I had to paint a picture
To show the world how true love can really be
I would use the brightest colours
To create a vision of harmony
It would be a reality
'Cause its only what's inside of my heart
You would see I've always loved you right from the very start

Tell me what is the colour of love?
What do you see?
Is it warm is it tender when you think of me
I see the colour of love when I'm thinking of you
As a picture perfect painting of love forever true

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Mama Mia

My mom is 100% nice. (I only have half of her genes, so you do the math ;).) But don't be fooled by her sweet gentle childlike innocence. Underneath it all actually lies a resilient woman, emotionally strong even in the face of a catastrophe. She had the misfortune of going through a horrific business failure. She tried to save a sinking ship that could not be saved. Regretfully, in the midst of it all, I was not there for her. I was thousands of miles away, starting college, unable to afford even a phone call home. Nobody was really there for her to understand what she was going through. But I guess all of us have that defining moment when we are at our darkest hour. That is when our conversations with God becomes deeper. Our belief that we are His child is affirmed. Never again do we lose confidence that He will always comfort us. Never again do we doubt that He will show us the way. The financial repercussions of "the problem" cast a long shadow in our family. But really we are ok, that is our only problem; we've learned to get by with having nothing. We have the more important stuff. We have our health, we have each other, and most of all, we are strengthened together by our faith.
Each new day only gets better.

On this day, I wish my mom a happy, happy birthday. I thank my mom for all that she is and all that she is not. What I admire most about her is her endless capacity for unconditional love. Thanks so much for all your love, mommy! May all your dreams come true!

Friday, August 24, 2007

Charmed, Part Deux

So I went to his office sort of chanting in my head, don't be charmed, don't be charmed. He was trying to explain something to me but my mind wandered off, the algorithm running in my head. He is not that cute but he always make me smile. He is kinda chunky so maybe he knows how to cook. He is very smart and very passionate about what he does. He seems to be that kind of guy who will take care of you. I know that he is not married. I am not sure if he has a girlfriend or not. But a friend of mine saw him at brunch one time and she reported that he was by himself. I don't get the vibe that he plays for the other team, so that's good :). But where will he be say 10 years from now? I strongly suspect that he will be exactly right here. And I just don't know if right here is where I want to be then. (Sometimes I imagine being in another country learning a new language.) Who knows even where I'll be in 2 years for residency? Should I ask him now if he goes to church? I don't think I like his last name. Ok. That's enough. Please stop the silliness :). Focus. Where were we? Right, short gut...

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Difficult Conversations

I am really liking my Family Medicine rotation a lot. Hands down, I like it even more than my Pediatrics rotation, very much to my surprise. I still see kids but now I get to hear their heartbeats while they are in their mother's womb. I see them as they miraculously go through the birth process. I see them reach their developmental milestones. I see kids go through adolescence. I see grown-ups, moms and dads, grandmas and grandpas. You see a whole gamut of patients each presenting with an interesting story. Even the family dynamics are quite fascinating.

We got asked earlier in the week what kind of doctor we pictured ourselves to be when we first thought of becoming a doctor. This is very much what I imagined a doctor will be doing, taking care of each member of the family. I still remember our town doctor, Doktora Palacol. I don't think she delivered babies but she took care of adults and children. I don't know if she continues to practice. I remember her favorite diagnosis: kidney disease! She would hit you on your sides and if you complain of flank pain, she'd say -- aah, you have sakit sa bato! (kidney disease!) :).

Today was very interesting. My first patient was almost near death a couple of weeks ago. She has long-standing pulmonary hypertension and she was being worked up for its cause. She went in for a routine outpatient endomyocardial biopsy and the last thing she remembered was somebody saying, "oh, something is terribly wrong". They had punctured her heart! Her husband was told that they weren't sure if she would live through it. Obviously, she did, thankfully! :). She just got so wary of medical interventions now that she did not feel comfortable starting a CPAP for her sleep apnea which may very well be the cause of her hypertension. Another patient was a teenager with bipolar disorder. She came in with her mom who she adores and thinks of as her best friend. I went through the review of systems and physical exam. Then she requested that her mom leave the room because she wanted to tell me something. I thought she was going to confide some sort of risky behavior but it turned out that she just has questions about female stuff. It amazes me how much trust goes in a patient-doctor relationship. Another patient was a 9-month old girl with congenital heart defects. She has a very loud heart murmur complete with a palpable thrill that even I could not miss :). They were initially waiting for her to grow more prior to additional surgeries but my preceptor suggested that they call the cardiologist immediately since she seems to be getting worse fast. I pray for her surgeries to be successful.

My last patient for the day was a 17-year-old on Vicodin for migraines and joint pains. He is a new patient and I was curious to find out whether he should really be on Vicodin which is a strong narcotic. His mom was in the room when I came in. I
asked about his migraines and whether he would be willing to try out anti-migraine meds. His mom was adamant that he stays on Vicodin which he's been on for 2 years now. I tried to explain that it's not good for him to be on Vicodin long-term. I told them that there are different kinds of pain and we have different medications to treat them. I even mentioned that if he is really in so much pain, we can even refer him to a pain clinic for pain management. I left the room with the feeling that I have at least let them know of different options that we have in managing his pain. I staffed him with my preceptor and then we came back to the room. My preceptor told him right off the bat that she is not the type of physician who would prescribe Vicodin to teenagers with migraine pain without exhausting other alternatives. His last doctor prescribed him 60 pills and he finished it all in less than a month.

They were really upset about this so when my preceptor left the room I purposely stayed behind. I felt our conversation earlier went very well and I had a connection with them. I told them earlier that my classmates tease me that I have the genetic condition he has because I can bend my little finger all the way down. I told them that I have a strong fascination with Medical Genetics and he is the first person I've met with that syndrome. So I tried to convince them that my preceptor has his best interests at heart. And I didn't think it was a bad idea to try other medications. So I eventually convinced them that they should at least try some of the sample meds that we have. I didn't realize that I had a lengthy talk with them. My preceptor teased me later that she wasn't sure if I needed "rescuing" :). I just didn't want them to leave totally upset. Pain is one of those iffy areas for me. Maybe they'll come up with a blood test or something to diagnose the level of pain :). Maybe it will be easier to figure out if a patient is having legitimate pain. Then I don't have to second-guess myself whether or not a patient is really having as much as pain as they say they do. Maybe they would not have to manufacture fantastic stories or harm themselves even just so they can get their hands on strong pain meds.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Culture of Poverty

Race. Class. Gender. Aaahh, the formidable trio. I want to ponder on class today since we had a discussion this morning. It's interesting how one table can articulate part of your family's experiences. On possessions- we're happy to have each other. On money- to be used, spent. On food- quantity important; key question: did you have enough? On time- present most important, decisions made for moment based on feelings or survival. On destiny- believes in fate; cannot do much to mitigate chance. On driving force- survival, relationships, entertainment.

The reading goes on to say that one of the biggest difficulties in getting out of poverty is managing money. I've always teased my parents on why we've never got a handle on money. Maybe they are right, it is an unfair question. How can you manage something you've never had? I used to always ask why they had more children than they could comfortably raise and put through school. Again, probably a very unfair question. But I look at my brothers and sisters now and realize that everyone is so precious. My youngest sister just gives so much joy to everyone. I can't imagine my parents being happy without her. My youngest brother gives most of his income to my mom and that just totally warms her heart. It's been a financial struggle all the way but I don't think my parents would have it any other way. They would say, "No worries. We survive somehow." They will still not save money because there is nothing to save. There would still be no budget since their income is not steady. There will still be unexpected expenses. My heart will still break every time I get a plea to send more money on top of what I have budgeted for and I am unable to oblige. Am I supposed to cancel my vacation plans so I could have sent the extra money to them? At the end of the day, yes, I will still take that vacation. I would never want to have feelings of resentment. I don't really like the word "sacrifice". I prefer the term duty. I feel joy when I fulfill my duties. I do have to define for myself what my duties are. Once defined, whatever it takes to fulfill them, I will gladly do with love, joy and peace. If you are happy doing all the things you do, is it still considered a sacrifice? There is only one example of ultimate sacrifice. There would be nothing that I can do to even compare. My purpose is not to sacrifice. I'm here to accept my duties and fulfill them cheerfully.

Saturday, August 18, 2007

Challenging the Process

The job interviewer asked me if I could change one thing about my college, what would it be? My gut answer was that I really loved my college experience and I would not change a thing. The second those words left my mouth, I knew that I would not get a second interview with that company. Oh well, I try to be authentic, I told myself. I was interviewing for a business consultant position that spring of my senior year. Consultants by definition are called upon to study a company, find areas that could use improvement, and then provide solutions.

I am not one of those people who naturally seeks ways to improve the system. If somebody points out a problem, that's the only time I try to think of solutions to the problem. I can't really come up with problems on my own. Is there such a thing as being too content? I alternate between admiration and curiosity for those who are always finding something wrong with the status quo. I do agree that there is always room for improvement. I do have empathy for other people's concerns. I am curious though, do you have to be personally discontented to challenge the process? Or is it enough that other people are? I don't know if I ever want to be discontented. I somehow equate that to being unhappy. And I wouldn't know what to do with myself if I would become unhappy :).

Other things come a little bit easier for me. Making connections... encouraging the heart...inspiring others.. modeling the way. But challenging the process, thinking outside the box, aaahh my Achilles' heel! ;)

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

First Baby

My preceptor got paged twice while we were in the middle of talking to a patient. The baby must be coming out soon! The hospital is just 3 miles from the office so we were there in about 5 minutes. My heart was pounding as we ran to the delivery room. I didn't really know what to expect. My mom delivered at home at least thrice and I can remember her yelling and screaming :). We got to the room and mom looked calm thanks to her epidural. It's her fifth child so she did not have any worries. It felt surreal as the baby's head started to come out as mom pushed as hard as she could. It was going on smoothly until the baby's shoulder got stuck. It seemed like an eternity to me. I could see the baby turning real blue. My preceptor then helped the delivering intern put pressure on mom's abdomen until finally the baby came out. Whew! I was afraid that something would go wrong. I was tense until the baby finally let out a loud cry. We left the room with baby on his mother's arms while his dad proudly looked on. We're going back tomorrow to circ him. His birth is probably one of those images that will stay with me for a long time. So that's the story of my first baby :).

Thursday, August 09, 2007

The Princess Has Ugly Hair Color

So I got new highlights and hair color last Friday. I immediately suspected that the new color looks absolutely horrible on me. My friends noticed the color change but were too polite to let me know what they really thought of the new color. So for the last few days I've been trying to see if the color would grow on me. Finally tonight, the minister's wife, seeing me for the first time with the new color, whispered to me that I've got to do something about my hair. That's what I thought! I wished that somebody would have told me sooner ;). So I got one of these hair color stuff from the drugstore. Here's hoping that it would work. I'm supposed to be reading up on the differential diagnosis for the acute abdomen my patient had today. But here I am instead being vain trying on a new hair color. And I used to think that people who color their hair are so fake :).

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Real Estate Markets

Of the nation's 40 biggest metros, which one has the most affordable housing?

Sunday, August 05, 2007

Famous College T-shirts

My favorite college T-shirt was featured in the New York times recently.

Saturday, August 04, 2007

Pisay the Movie

Ohmigosh! Has anyone seen this movie? I thought I heard rumors that a movie is being made but I lost track. I happened to just see an article on inquirer.net that it will be shown at the Toronto International Film Festival. Can someone get me a DVD copy whenever it comes out? I still remember the exhilaration upon finding out that I passed the entrance examinations. The trailer shows the school as I remember it-- front lobby, grandstand, soccer field, chemistry lab, dorm room. It's hard to forget our uniforms, dances, stargazing activities and best of all our camaraderie with one another. Here's a description of the movie.

Friday, August 03, 2007

Spring Break 1995

Edith, Glenda and I decided to spend Spring Break '95 in the Washington D.C. metro area. The parents of Glenda's boyfriend then had offered to host us. We also invited our 2 new friends from the class above us, seniors Toby and Jessica, to come along for the ride. Toby and I share the same birthday. I was turning 19 that week and Toby was turning 22. So we packed our bags, rented a van, and excitedly left Mount Holyoke for the nation's capital.

The nation's capital did not disappoint. We loved the Smithsonian. The Holocaust Museum moved us. We also went to Mount Vernon and Colonial Williamsburg. Edith also wanted to visit her friend who was then studying at the College of William and Mary.

I met up with Edith and Glenda in New York last December. Edith has been living in Ecuador. Her husband works at the Guayaquil U.S. consular office. She was just back in town to deliver her 2nd child. Edith mentioned then that her friend that we visited that Spring Break has been murdered. It was so sad to hear of a promising life so quickly extinguished. I remember him as being very smart and very committed to public service. Edith just sent me this link that a year since the murder, the case remains unsolved.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Happy Birthday Daddy!

My dad is probably my blog's #1 fan. So today on his 59th birthday, I am dedicating this post to him. I am told that everyday he checks if I have written something new. I think my dad gets very much amused by my silly stories, comparative sociological analysis and deep insights into the human psyche ;).

I'm sure that he is proud of where I am now, almost a decade and a half from the day he let me go to experience the world. I suspect though that a part of him longs to know the specifics of my journeys. Every little post then becomes a clue to the person I have become. Every story adds color to my past and present. With every sigh, he gets to share my yearnings for the future. I then become less of the "imaginary" daughter, I become more "real", a little bit closer each time.

I meant to write on Father's day that truly I could have not asked for a better father. I may not be "needy" in the usual ways, but I don't want my dad thinking that I don't need him. He doesn't need to worry about putting me through school nor making decisions for me. But part of what has given me courage during times of uncertainties is the implicit assurance that he will always be there for me no matter what.

I thank my dad for not giving my mom any reason for her not to be crazy in love with him after all this time. I thank him for being kind, logical, and selfless. Providing for seven children surely has not been easy for him. Through his blood, sweat, and tears, he made sure that we all got an education. I asked him earlier what he wants for his birthday. He said that he just wants us to remain as good children. With him as our role model, it should not be too hard to do :). Happy birthday, Daddy ko!

Friday, July 13, 2007

Occupational Hazard

I was seriously examining the cutest 5-day-old newborn today when he decided to relieve himself just as I was taking off his diaper. He did not get my face but he did wet my pants :). Welcome to outpatient Pediatrics!

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Transformers

more than meets the eye.. autobots something something... decepticons.

i watched a lot of tv growing up. here are other favorite cartoons i still remember:

1. Superbook
2. Super Friends
3. Bugs Bunny
4. Richie Rich
5. Astro Boy
6. Mighty Man and Yukk
7. Smurfs
8. Popeye
9. Scooby Doo
10. Flintstones

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Charmed

I might look back to this day and say that this was the day when forever started. It's probably highly unlikely but I thought I would at least mark this day with a short post. I know, I know, I'm such a hopeless case :). But a girl can still dream, right? ;). Here I go again daydreaming, as usual. Sorry, it's my nature, I can't help myself hehe.

Friday, June 15, 2007

Starting Over

You could say that I have a fertile imagination. I like to anticipate what will happen the next day, the next week, the next month and so forth. My imaginings are usually quite entertaining. But today, I thought maybe I should stop imagining things and just concentrate and enjoy the present. There is no guarantee that my imaginings will ever happen. But the present is here, the present is real. And I'm afraid that if I continue daydreaming my life away, I'm missing the present. So as I go off and enjoy the present moment, I'll have to say goodbye for now to you my very dearest blog readers. It's been great sharing myself with you all!

Thursday, June 07, 2007

The Art of Directing

I just got assigned to be our locale's GEM NET (Global Expansion Media Network) representative. Life is hectic as it is but somebody needs to do the task so it's really hard for me to refuse. Here in the US, via satellite, we now get a 24-hour Iglesia ni Cristo TV channel. They need material to air so they have asked all congregations to submit videos. They are also planning to launch a MySpace-like video blog. So my new responsibilities include writing scripts for the videos of our activities, directing "talents" (newscasters/reporters), or even being the one in front of the camera. I also need to shoot videos of the brethren who would like to send videos for the video blog. The Church has provided the questions that needs to be answered. These are questions about faith and Christian life. The idea is that this can be another tool for us to share our faith. The only thing is I don't have a video camera nor do I know anything about video editing hehe. I'm sure I'll learn somehow :).

So, mom, you might see me on TV pretty soon! (One of my mom's dreams is to see one of her children/grandchildren on TV :). Before I left home, she told me to find a blond, blue-eyed boy to be sure that I'll have gorgeous children. The plan is that she'll then have them audition for Philippine TV ;).) Our strawberry picking activity is this Saturday. I'll write the script for our video tomorrow. I don't know if my mom remembers but I wrote a script in 5th grade. I wrote about a modern-day Nativity story. For some weird reason, I remember that the first line was "may bagyong namumuo sa gitnang Luzon" (a storm is brewing over Central Luzon). I remember my mom finding the script hilarious ( it doesn't take much to amuse either of us :)). In high school I wrote a script for a puppet play for an Asian history class. It was a flop. I think the script was so serious my classmates fell asleep :). When I was in Boston, our minister asked me to direct a children's play that he wrote. It was a hit! After college graduation, I moved to Philadelphia, he also happened to be the minister assigned there. He asked me again to direct the play with the kids there. We presented it on New Year's Eve and the parents really loved it. Philadelphia also hosted a Children's Theater Festival in 1999. Each of the 13 or so congregations in the district presented a Bible story. We got assigned the life of Apostle Paul . I was able to find a children's video where I based the script. We have a brother there with real directing experience who directed the play. We both worked together on finding the right auditorium. I oversaw the rehearsals, picked the background music, scouted for costume materials and coordinated with the seamstresses. The event was a huge success. With God's grace more than 1,000 brethren attended the event from all over the northern East Coast. Our little Apostle Paul was so talented . He even made some of the brethren cry with his song and monologue at the end. We designed him a reversible robe. One side was for he was still the mean apostle Paul (Saul). Then after he got called on the road to Damascus, he reversed his robe. It was a powerful scene. Oh yeah, at the time, I was working on my master's degree doing experiments on the chicken embryonic eye. We had an egg incubator. So for a market scene for the play, I let some of the eggs hatch, so we had real chicks running around during the performance! Sometimes I wonder if the 9 years between college and medical school was a waste of precious time. Then I remember all these fun things I got to do :).

Home improvements are hopefully starting this week. I have a very limited budget so I'll probably go real slow. I want to be able to invite people over so they can watch some of the church programs. I've cleared my living room. I've started tearing down the wallpaper. Hopefully painting will be done this week. I've hired one of my neighbors to help me out. I'll try to post some before and after pictures. I think tomorrow I'll go to Lowe's which is a hardware store to pick out some bathroom fixtures. The fun never ends :).

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Good Morning!

It's 12:25 a.m. I just got home from a 6 hour shift at the ER after completing an 8-hour exam earlier. I have been up since 5 a.m.! I'm finally done with my Step I exam. I think it went ok so hopefully I passed :). I probably have enough adrenaline in me to stay up until 5 a.m. today but I still have a pediatric GI lecture and Spanish class tomorrow so I better sleep. Who said that life after Step I would be less hectic? Prioritize, prioritize, I tell myself ;).

Friday, June 01, 2007

Sob Stories

Sometimes I make up sob stories. These are true stories but they didn't really make me sob that much. I share the story maybe with a little touch of drama. For example, we have a Family Medicine rotation. To stay in Indianapolis you need to write a letter. I wrote one saying that my house got burglarized recently and I am "afraid" that if I leave for a month, I will get burglarized again. I got an Indianapolis spot! I'm not really afraid to be burglarized again. Maybe I should really be. So maybe my sob story is justified.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Procrastinating...


One of my high school classmates just posted this picture in our yahoogroups. From I-Jade, of the 24 of us who finished high school at Philippine Science, at least 9 of us went into medicine. George will be starting his fellowship in Sports Medicine at Univ of Michigan. Edsel is doing an Infectious Disease fellowship in Cleveland. Lia is now a practicing endocrinologist in Minnesota. I heard Jorge is now in Texas but I haven't talked to him yet so I don't know what he is up to.
I'll be starting my third year clerkships pretty soon. I got my top choice: Pediatric GI. Sweet! I should really be careful what I wish for. Lately, I seem to be getting what I want ;). No complaints here, of course :). During a mentoring dinner I co-organized, I talked briefly with our pediatric GI prof. I mentioned to her that I put down pediatric GI as my top choice. She said that she is actually the professor who will be "in service" that month. I don't know if that's the reason I got the spot. One of the other students in the rotation is probably one of the smartest women in our class. She started medical school at 17! I am really looking forward to the rotation. I am sure that I'll love the kids. I am also sure that I'll learn a lot and get to know interesting people.

Friday, May 25, 2007

Malasezzia furfur

Sorry if the name sounds scary. Sure I know this fungus causes tinea versicolor. We've seen pictures of patchy hypopigmentation in Derm class. In Micro and Path we've talked about its "meatballs and spaghetti" appearance. What I didn't know is that tinea versicolor = anan. One classmate asked me once, "Tinea versicolor is very common in the Philippines, right?" With a blank look I said, "Huh?" He explained that one of his ex-girlfriends is from the Philippines and she has these hypopigmented spots. I thought about it for a second and postulated that he must be talking about "anan". I didn't really know for sure. They always show big patches of hypopigmentation but I remember anan as little white spots. Today, I invited a friend to our Pathology review session. She's an OB/GYN but she still needs to take the boards to practice here. I just mentioned the term tinea versicolor and she said, "oh yeah, anan". She agreed that the picture they show in class is much more severe. I asked her if she can think of other Filipino names for diseases. She reassured me that most diagnoses is given in English. I guess it's good to know that sometimes an appendicitis is just an appendicitis :).

Monday, May 21, 2007

Papayas

I was talking with one of my favorite classmates, Kent, about papayas. He happens to not like them. I told him that there are two kinds of papaya plants: male and female. But I look it up on this site , there are actually three kinds. So if you're curious about papayas, check it out. Maybe Kent just needs to be introduced to the best papaya- the Philippine kind ;).

Sunday, May 20, 2007

Feisty Girl

Disclaimer: Some names have been altered for confidentiality reasons ;).

She seems to have this uncanny ability to sense big egos simmering under otherwise amiable personas especially amongst the officers of the congregations she passes through. Sweet little innocent girl that she is somehow inevitably collides with one of them :). Throughout her journeys she must have encountered 4 such officers so certainly there is not a whole lot of them but they do exist, unfortunately. The first encounter was somewhat distressing and shocking. She did not grow up in an argumentative household. Her parents never argued to her mom's credit; her mother never once raising her tone of voice. She grew up having utmost respect to all of her elders especially Church officers. She expected them to be humble, caring and rational. So when she had that first argument with a deacon over a silly matter she felt somewhat guilty. Was she the one out of line? If there's anything that ticks off this girl, it is the inability of those with big egos to admit that they have made a mistake. A deaconess told her to be patient and let the offensive behavior go. She told her that it's God who placed them in these offices, God must still find something good in them so they remain in their duties. She completely agreed, later on finding that other brethren had issues with this particular deacon. She felt better knowing she is not the only one concerned about this deacon's behavior and character. Much much later this deacon, and big ego #2 would involuntarily step down from their duties. Big ego #3 eventually voluntarily stepped down from his duty as well.

So this is the story of big ego #4. Again the issue is really rather silly. They were in the officer's caucus last Thursday night. She had told the minister before the worship service that she's done with her classroom work so she can really be 100% involved with all the activities. In fact all day she's been thinking about the logistics of her proposed strawberry picking activity for the children. She called the farm in Starlight, Indiana and had asked for brochures. She outlined the other fun things that they can do there. She was really excited to share and promote the activity with the parents by talking to them personally. The minister asked her to start staying for the leadership caucus, she's supposed to stay every week but she had requested to be excused before because of school. So during the caucus, she talked about the planned activity with the other 4 attendees. Mr. Big Ego #4 is the Buklod president (the organization for the married brethren), he is in charge of the July 4th picnic. He wanted to make a poster to promote the picnic and he told her to make one for the strawberry picking. She said she doesn't want to do one, she'd much rather talk to the parents individually and give them brochures. The minister said that is fine. But Mr. Big Ego somehow took her refusal personally and questioned her right to say no. This really annoyed feisty girl. And when she gets annoyed she tends to speak in rapid fire English and to some Filipinos speaking in straight English can somehow come across as cold and arrogant. She was making the point that there are different ways that the activity can be promoted. If she doesn't want to do a poster that should be perfectly fine. She couldn't help but mention that she has a lengthy leadership experience on this sort of event planning from her previous congregations. This is one of the strengths given her, she knows how this can be successful, she's very good at this, thank you very much! The minister agreed with her that she doesn't have to do the poster if she doesn't want to but this did not sit well with Mr. Big Ego. He was so upset with this silly thing that he actually walked out of the meeting. And the ironic thing is the lesson that night was about humility and meekness. His brother who is one of the head deacons apologized to her. The minister said not to worry about him since he is having some personal issues. She said that somehow unwittingly her gloves come on when faced with irrational behavior.

But the gloves are officially retiring, feisty girl is getting too old for this. (Besides she always wins anyway by total knockout so it's no fun ;)). The mature question that she asks herself -- what is it exactly again that she is winning? The backstory on that brother is that he is newly baptized within the last 3 years. Maybe instead of saying an outright no she could have explained herself and said that she thinks the poster is a great idea but she is not the artistic type so she is not able to do this. Maybe when he started to get agitated, she should have taken the high road and said that she did not mean to upset him personally. It was just so tempting, his big ego seemed begging to be crushed. But the sad thing is, he and his family didn't come to the worship service today. No one is the enemy here. We're supposed to edify one another. We're supposed to be living stones being built up as a spiritual house. Some might say that feisty girl is just being used as an instrument to "reveal" (maghayag) proud hearts. She's not sure if she wants that. The reason she enjoys planning these sorts of activities is that they are good ways to enhance the love of the brotherhood. As she thinks about the love of the brotherhood, she'll leave you with quite possibly her favorite passage...

I Corinthians 13:4-8
Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.