Death

Today was my last day in leukemia clinic. My spirits were up. My first patient was a woman who had acute lymphoblastic leukemia, in remission now for 5 years. Fast forward to the last patient, somebody with the same leukemia not responding to 2 rounds of chemo. It was the first time I got to witness the process of breaking bad news.

"I'm sorry that we find ourselves here.."

The patient seemed in shock. All she could say was that she didn't expect this. Her husband looked around as if he was trying to find cues on how to process the information. I couldn't help but to look down. My tears were starting to form although I just met the patient. His tears started falling.

I can't imagine what their Thanksgiving would be like. Another chemo doesn't sound promising. They will be thinking about whether it's best to let the disease run its present course. Waiting for death.. aah what a journey that must be.

At the end, my preceptor shook the couple's hand and said, "God bless." What else can you really say at this point? I shook their hands. God bless..

Lunch

So he emailed me back and said I can come by his house anytime I want :). See, he is super nice! I've been studying with my friend Karla (mom- that's not a typo, Karla not Karlo :)). She's actually Iglesia, too! She was five when her family moved here to the US. Isn't it amazing that we ended up in the same medical school class here at IU? I'm actually in her apartment using her laptop now. I am waiting till the after Thanksgiving sale to get one. So I told her all about him and she is interested in meeting him. There are not too many Filipino faculty around. So I emailed him back to let him know that both of us are coming :).

We have an exam this Wednesday so I better get back to studying. I promise I will call home as soon as I am done with the exam. I will also get my ticket to San Francisco then. I plan on spending New Year's with PB and probably the Rosales family. We'll also probably meet up with the Glindros. PB should have met them yesterday since they had a district Bible exposition in San Jose.

Heart Jumping

If I plot out my blogwriting vs my emotions, they should be directly proportional to each other. So on days that I don't write, most likely I'm just lost in everyday routineness. Or it could also be that I'm trying my best to keep my emotions in check.

Whenever my heart jumps, my immediate thought is to write something about it. So instead of studying, I'm writing right now ;). Today, my schedule put me in the same hospital for the whole day. So I decided to eat at the hospital cafeteria. I saw one of my classmates who I have not seen for a while so we chitchat over lunch. Since I normally don't pay attention to my surroundings and she was telling me the romantic story of how she met his new boyfriend, I didn't notice him right away. So he was there in his black leather jacket smiling and waving at me. I smiled and waved back. A part of me wanted to get up and follow him so I can ask him how he is doing. I told her who he is and even though we only had him for one or two lectures, she too remembers thinking then that he is so dashing :). I also told her that I have confirmed in a roundabout way that he is not straight so I don't really understand why my heart jumps every time I see him. She just reassured me that sometimes you can't help but have some sort of attraction to the wrong person. I don't even think now that he's all that cute. But there is just this general niceness about him that I seem to respond to. As I was telling my friend that he makes my heart jump, placing my hand to my chest, he happened to walk by again! I just hope that he did not overhear my silliness :).

But anyways, I think I do want to be friends with him. Probably the only way that this heart will stop jumping is by spending more time with him. So I'll shoot him an email now and suggest that he invite me over to his house for dinner. Maybe his boyfriend will cook up something fabulous :).

Advance Directives

Today we had an ethics discussion. At the end, we were encouraged to let our loved ones know about our advance directives for our end-of-life medical care. Basically, I think I don't want any extraordinary measures/artificial nutrition in the event that I have no chance of recovery. It's hard to think about my own mortality. I meant to sign up as an organ donor when I renewed my driver's license earlier this year. But I hesitated yet again.

Note to self: Try to sign up for the Ethics elective my senior year. It should be interesting to think about ethical dilemmas all month long.

The last time I took an Ethics class was my first semester of college. We read writings of dead, male, white philosophers sort of viewed through a feminist lens. I remember talking about the good life, phallic symbols, justice, etc. My final 20-page paper was on nature and female imagery.

Pictorial

Guilty as Charged

In the hustle and bustle of things, I sometimes find myself frustrated. I actually did not feel like going to the devotional prayer last night. The prayer is for a Bible study this Saturday. I thought that maybe I should just stay home and pray on my own. I felt that the time it takes for me to go there is better spent actually inviting visitors. But I think the real frustration stems from the fact that I am really not good at inviting visitors. As I drove there anyhow, I thought that wouldn't it be nice if I'm off in a strange land somewhere, where the church has not taken roots yet and that I set up shop there. Then I would have a whole village to invite! Then my whole focus would be all about worship and service. Every breath would be a prayer. So I got to the prayer maybe 5 minutes late, uncharacteristically but good for me, the prayer has not started yet. At least 4 other people out of 12 were not there. I don't know, having less people than the day before made it more intimate for me. We sang a hymn and prayed. I felt His presence and my frustrations vanished. We are God's children everywhere we may be. I should not just imagine that the only way I would be a better servant is if I'm off somewhere. That actually would be a much easier task, not having the usual distractions of life. What is probably more admirable are the hearts of those who in both the ordinariness and complexities of their lives amidst this chaotic world, still find themselves strong and steadfast in their faith, not ever frustrated of their duties, united with those who lead us, always seeing the big picture as to what would be best for the Church as a whole so that we may all be holy and blameless, ready to meet Christ, our Savior.

Crutches

We got to play with crutches today. The shortest and the tallest were called upon to do the honors. I stood up immediately, rhetorically asking if anyone else is less than 5 feet tall :). Of the 270+ students in my class, I am probably the 2nd or 3rd shortest. Of course, the others had to look around first and had a harder time figuring out amongst themselves who is the tallest. Maybe tall people don't really size each other up that much. If someone is shorter than me, I definitely notice :).

It took me a while to figure out how to work the crutches. As you know my motor coordination leaves a lot to be desired :) I've never had to get crutches before. It is actually hard work not to have perfectly functioning legs. So as I walked afterwards I had greater appreciation of my legs.

Which reminds me, I want to share that I have theme songs whenever I walk :).

Walking out of the house- pretty woman walking down the street..

If it's really nice and sunny- i see skies of blue and clouds of white, the bright blessed day.... what a wonderful world; or i'm walking on sunshine...

If it's raining- i'll never let you see, the way my broken heart is hurtin' me, i've got my pride and i know how to hide all my sorrows and pain, i'll do my crying in the rain..

If I'm wearing boots- these boots are made for walking, and that's just what they'll do, one of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you.

When walking a lot- i would walk 500 miles and i would walk 500 more...

When there's pretty snow- walking in the winter wonderland..

Skin Cancer

Today in Derm clinic, I mostly saw presumed skin cancers. I even had the chance to biopsy and excise one out. I don't think I know anybody back home who has skin cancer. Our darker color gives us a lot of protection. My dad has lots of moles, different sizes, different colors. I think he said that one physician advised him to have one of the larger ones be taken out. He points out that the physician is long dead and he is still alive and kicking :).

Mondays

I have hematology clinic on Monday mornings. Most of the patients I have seen have some form of leukemia or "preleukemia". Due to genetic changes causing abnormal cell proliferation, normal cells in their bone marrow are being replaced with abnormal ones. We check their white cell, hemoglobin and platelet counts at each visit. I feel like a cheerleader most of the time. Mrs. A, your counts look great today. Mr. B, there is no evidence that the cancer has come back. But sometimes, we have to say that there is nothing else that we can do. Sometimes we also say that there is this experimental drug that is new that might be worth a try. I'm always tempted to say that it's worth a shot, even if the odds are one in a million. My preceptor reminds me that most of the time, a slight possibility of success is not worth the try especially if the odds are too low and the risks are high.

We have devotional prayer tonight. Odds versus prayers, no competition :).

Meet the Baby

So what do four female medical students do for fun on a lazy Sunday afternoon?
Well, after having an excellent lunch and spending quality time with the baby, we played "Wii". I guess I can describe it as virtual sports. You can play tennis, golf, boxing, bowling, etc. I was a pretty good boxer, ok tennis player, so-so bowler. But I think in real life, it should be the opposite. I'd like to think that I am good bowler haha.

We also watched football. Unfortunately, our team lost :(. This is only the 3rd game I've watched in its entirety. So don't ask me what I know about football 'coz I really don't know much. Our team won the Super Bowl last year so I'm trying to pay attention :). That is if I don't fall asleep watching the game ;).

P.S. I just got news from another classmate that she's expecting, too! All these baby news is making me want one. Maybe I should start dating, as in right now haha :). Ready or not, I am taking the big plunge. I might fall hard, get hurt, but who cares. At least nobody can say that I was afraid to try. Stay tuned ;).

Wishard photo

Taken after our noon conference with a visiting physician from China.

Men In Yoga Pants

I still don't know what to think of men who like yoga. There are 4 men in my yoga class. They are kinda amusing :).

Think of me, think of me fondly..

I introduced myself to my 81-year-old patient. He asked me to repeat my name. I repeated it slowly suspecting that he is hard of hearing. I proceeded to show my ID to help him out. He seemed lost in thought. I turned to his wife and showed my ID. She smiled knowingly. "His ex-girlfriend's name is Myra," she said. I smiled, "Oh, ok.. How long have you two been married?". "58 years," she said.

I remember the car radio playing..

Unforgettable, that's what you are..
Unforgettable though near or far..