Crying in Public

I didn't realize that I was in so much pain until I cried in public today. I have joined a noon time Bible study group at school. We read a couple of passages today. One of which is Proverbs 31:10-31. The one about the characteristics of a good wife. God knows how I so want to be a great wife and mother. I also want to be a great doctor. I had an 8-year on-again, off-again relationship with A. I thought he was the one. I was looking forward to being a great minister's wife. With the stresses of my first year in medical school plus the burden of a long distance relationship, I lost faith that things could work out between us. After all, there was no certainty that in case we would get married that I can still continue to be in medical school and work afterwards. Typically the ministers' wives do not work. There are some who do so there is a small possibility that something can be worked out. Long distance marriages are also not common. My medical school is here in Indianapolis and he is in Calamba, Laguna. I have heard of ministers in some Asian countries and the Middle East who do not bring their wives with them. So in theory, there's also a slim chance that a long-distance marriage while I am in medical school can be worked out. But again the possibility is very slim.

I thought I was over him. He had said some hurtful things in the past, the last of which was in June. I had the willpower not to call him for about 2.5 months. He told me way back in June that he thinks he might be falling for someone else in the congregation where he was assigned right after his graduation last March. When I spoke to him the other day, he said he thinks that she might be the one he would marry. I thought it was so unfair. For 8 years, it took a lot of effort from me to make the relationship work. Now, he meets this girl for 4-5 months and he's ready to marry her? My first instinct is to fight, fight, fight! I have worked so hard to make the relationship work. But maybe that is a red flag. I should not have to work hard for a relationship to work. If it is meant to be, it is meant to be. I think this is my insecurity in life. I am afraid that I will end up marrying somebody that I am not passionately in love with. Is it better to be with someone you love or to be with someone who deserves your love? I know God has a special plan for me. I look back in the past 8 years and the "bad times" in the relationship have actually led me to this day, one day closer to becoming a doctor. If things were always so rosy between us, I would have not have left Philadelphia where we met. I really feel privileged to be in this path of being able to help others in their suffering. I just need to not dwell in the state of my relationships or the lack thereof.

Anyways, at the end of the Bible study, we had some prayer requests. And I requested that may God show me the right path to sort through this rough emotions. One of my classmates prayed for me. It's typical for people at Church to shed a tear or two during heartfelt prayers since everybody's eyes are close anyways. I don't think everybody's eyes were closed during the Bible study so it was slightly embarassing for me to show emotions. But I could not help that the silent tears just kept coming. I don't know what the tears were really for, for losing an idealized imperfect love, for the fear of not loving again or for the guilt that I lack faith that God will provide for all my needs?