Blog Anniversary

I just realized a few seconds ago that today is actually my blog's one year anniversary! It's funny that I am once again in the library on this day procrastinating on studying. The big difference is I don't have a big test coming up next week. So I don't feel so bad sharing you a story. Like I said in my very first post, I thought of finally having a blog in the summer of 2005. Sometime in 2004, 2 of my high school classmates (Mel and Vero) started their own blogs. I thought it was really cool. My primary reason for having a blog is to share my journeys. I envisioned that I will try to visit all the houses of worship of the Iglesia ni Cristo (Church of Christ) all over the world. I would then post pictures of the chapels and the brethren. With that in mind, in the summer of 2005 I bought a digital camera and planned on a cross-country trip before the beginning of medical school. I meant to write about the trip on my very first post but I didn't get around to blogging until February of last year. So here it is, better late than never (story of my life! ;))

Gypsy is one adjective my friends used to describe me since I moved around so much. I have been here in the US for about 14.5 years. I have lived in Massachusetts, California, New York, Connecticut, Pennsylvania, Maryland, Ohio, Indiana, Kentucky and Georgia. I was listed in the following Iglesia ni Cristo (Church of Christ) congregations: Boston, MA; Redwood City, CA; Philadelphia, PA; Baltimore, MD; Dayton, OH; Indianapolis, IN; Louisville, KY; Portage, IN and North Atlanta, GA.

Here are some pictures from my 9-day cross-country trip from Indianapolis to California and back in the summer of 2005. I drove by myself with my trusty 2001 Ford Focus. I lost my cell phone on my trip to Seattle a few days before so I drove w/out one. I also do not have a clue how to change a tire. Not very ideal but nothing would have stopped me from taking the trip. I was just armed with the passion for travel and the faith that God will not let anything untoward happen to me. The stops I planned out along the way were places of worship. I figured if anything bad would happen, I have the Pasugo (God's message) magazine with the congregations' contact numbers, and I am sure one of the brethren would "rescue" me. So I was not worried.

Oopsy I am having technical difficulties, I can't seem to upload the pictures. Oh well, I'll try again sometime.

Spare Keys

You would think everyone should have them, but unfortunately I don't. Maybe it's the risk-taker in me. Ok, I will grant you that there's a touch of stupidity in not getting them. Why did I not duplicate my house keys? I don't really now. Maybe I thought there was no way that I would lose my keys because they were attached to my Kubotan. But my kubotan was confiscated at the airport way back in October. I meant to get another one but I just didn't get to it.

So yesterday I was at my friend Joe's house for the Superbowl (Indianapolis Colts, won!). He and his wife just got this hi-def 50-inch plasma TV. He invited our other friend Wei and her husband. He also wanted to invite Heidi but she was working. We were all classmates in the MS Biology program in IUPUI and we all eventually made it to medical school. I drove to Wei's house first and decided to carpool with her. Somewhere along the way, I lost my keys. Yes, all of them car, house, locker keys, etc.

Wei was so upset for me. But I think I'm always calm in the face of disaster. So, I told her not to worry. I think I might even like being face to face with disaster, specifically a new disaster. I think being face to face with the same disaster twice is not smart at all. But the first time, I think you learn a lot in many ways.

Fortunately, I did some rummaging through my stuff this past summer and found my duplicate car key. I set it on my dining table just exactly for when this sort of disaster might happen. It was under a pile of lots of paperwork but I knew it was somewhere in there. I also knew that my bedroom window is broken so you can actually open it from the outside. I always hope for the best and expect the worst. Although I did not get spare keys, I have sort of rehearsed in my head what I will do in case I get locked out. So I calmly asked Wei's husband to drive me to my house. I also borrowed a chair that I can climbed on to reach my window. He was so afraid that the neighbors will think that we are burglars. So, last night at about 11 pm, I actually had to break into my own house :).

I was hoping somebody in Wei's apartment might find my keys so I haven't changed my locks. I actually just left my kitchen door ajar this morning so I can get back in. I just hope there will be no surprises when I go home tonight. My house is freezing cold. I didn't even have hot water in my bath this morning. I think my pipes are frozen! I don't think an intruder will survive in there ;). I will probably change the locks tomorrow. I already planned out before this disaster happened that I will be studying in the library tonight until midnight. It's kinda hard for me to change my plans once I have set my mind. I was thinking of fixing the locks this Saturday but that might be too late so maybe I'll do it tomorrow. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to call a locksmith or if I can do it myself. But yeah, from now on I'll never be without spare keys!

Today's Recap

Just to give you an idea how a day goes for me...

7:45 AM I finally hear my alarm ringing. Take a shower, get ready for school

(what to wear? what to wear? my clothes seems to be disappearing. did i leave them at the laundry mat? :))

8:35 AM Out the door, into my car

(shoots, it snowed again. i forgot that i am out of windshield wiper fluid. i'm running late so i just have to drive with an icy windshield. :))

9:00 AM Lecture on Cardiac Arrhythmia

10:00 AM Lecture on Anti-arrhythmic drugs

(oh by the way, the professor tells us after all that, these things are not all that useful.)

11:00 AM More lecture about the heart, heart valves and infective endocarditis

12:00 Noon Free lunch! Sponsored by the Emergency Medicine student interest group.

(One of the best lunches I have ever attended. The professor presented 50 cases that have come in through the emergency room doors. Really cool!)

1:15 PM Prepared and mailed PB's job application

(I hope he learns to cook before he gets here!)

2:00 PM Check e-mail at the library. Made sure I officially passed my exams.

(I scored above the mean on my pulmonary medicine exam. Can put that in my very short list of specialties I might actually be good at, along with psychiatry and rheumatology :).)

3:00 PM Lecture on cardiac imaging

4:15 PM Met with Danielle to discuss logistics for the AMWA Spring Dinner

4:30 PM Back at the library, waited for almost half an hour for a first year who wants to buy AMWA glasses.

(I didn't think she was going to show up but she came in just as I was walking down the stairs).

5:00 PM Free dinner hosted by Med-Peds SIG.

6:00 PM Meeting for the Vagina Monologues

(I'm helping with getting sponsors for the school production.)

7:00 PM Yoga at NIFS

(I just love to stretch and stretch!)

8:30 PM Returned Glenda's call on the drive home, picked up washer fluid

9:00 PM Called home

9:30 PM Ironed white coat and white uniform for Sunday school

10:00 PM Organize notes

10:30 PM Browse through chapter on Peripheral Vascular System

(We see patients at the VA so we might see a number of diabetics tomorrow.)

11:00 PM Watch Sex and the City (I have no cable so just the PG version.)

11:30 PM Write this post

12:00 PM Get ready for bed, maybe catch a little bit of Leno or Letterman

Good night!

One Down!

We finished our first set of exams today. Thankfully, I think I passed them all. When it comes to academics, I have embraced the good enough or the passing grade. It would just take so much effort for me to remember all the details. I think as long as I know the major concepts I should be ok. The top 15-20% of our class get Honors. The next 30-40% get High Pass and the bottom 40% get Pass. I am definitely in the bottom 40%. And I think I am ok with that. From past experiences, I know that class rank does not really prevent you from doing what you want to do. My college grades spanned the whole alphabet. I got As, Bs, Cs and Ds :).

Having survived the first series of exams, I would like to revise the imagery of this semester. I think likening it to an abyss is a bit too negative :). It is more like a dimlit tunnel. There are 146 of us traversing this tunnel. We lost about 10% of our Indianapolis class in the last 3 semesters for various academic and personal reasons. In this tunnel, you meet a lot of interesting people. For the most part, everyone is excited about learning and eventually being able to help others. This is the last semester we are on the same schedule so we are still journeying on the same path. We pass milestones together. For example, we did our first pelvic exam on a standardized patient this month. We are focused on accomplishing the same tasks like passing the Boards in May or June. I think I am going to miss a number of people when we go our separate ways after this semester. We do get to meet new people as the other half of our class from other campuses join us for clinics.

Since right before every exam I try to focus, there's usually a long list of delayed tasks that I need to work on. Here's a partial list this time:

1) Send PB's job application for his working visa
(Hopefully, he'll be here this September!)
2) Call home/get details of brother's wedding planning
(I wonder what color my bridesmaid dress is..)
3) Return calls from Nu, Tala, and Glenda
(It's great that I have such low-maintenance friends :))
4) Complete business tax returns
(Such a pain..)
5) Send pictures of the children's field trip to Bro. Ross
(Long overdue!)
6) Schedule dentist appointment
(The appointments never end..)
7) Catch up on Cardiology
(The heart is my least favorite organ right now ;))
8) Get plane ticket to the Philippines/ mail passport renewal
(Home sweet home soon!)
9) Start looking at Qbank
(I really do have good intentions..)
10) Pluck my eyebrows
(Hmm, why? Apparently that's what girls do :))

To end, things are well for me here. I hope things are well for you all, too. Drop me a note sometime so I'll know what's happening with you. I'll try to post again tomorrow on what my schedule is on a typical day. Stay tuned. I heart you all! :)

The Retreat

Quite unexpectedly, in medical school, I find myself meeting and drawn to a number of people who profess faith in the Bible and our Lord Jesus Christ. Growing up in the Philippines, most people described themselves as Catholics or Protestants like Methodist, Baptist, etc. And of course we describe ourselves as Iglesia ni Cristos or members of the Church of Christ. Someone explained to me that "Christian" can refer to a denomination or it could mean that the church they belong to is non-denominational. And over the radio, I heard some people call themselves Catholic Christians. But a classmate I sit next to who is a devout Catholic said that that is a very rare combination. As Iglesia ni Cristos, we firmly believe that we are the "true Christians". We were not really encouraged to listen to any sort of religious instruction.

I remember in grade school we were supposed to leave the classroom whenever the nun comes for the religion class. But I guess, even at an early age, I was interested in what other people believed in. I remember distinctly that I stayed one day and the nun told the story of the prodigal son. The story of the prodigal son is the story of the prodigal son whichever you look at it so I did not see any harm in staying. Our school was next to a church so whenever it's breaktime and the American priest would happen to pass by, most children will run to the priest to be blessed. I didn't really care for the priest that way. I knew that the Catholic church is not the same church our Lord Jesus Christ established. I did like some of their hymns so sometimes I would sing along with them. Our house was just shouting distance from the church. I don't remember thinking much about salvation then. It's not like I went around and told everybody else that they are going to hell. I just reveled in the fact that I am child of God and I am so blessed to be a part of his chosen people.

In high school, we did not talk about religion much. Most of us lived in the dorms. We shared a room with 3 other people. One friend said that there is no point of talking about faith. We believe in different things and a discussion would just lead to arguments. So I just went about by merry way, attending worship services Thursdays and Sundays. Then I went to college in Massachusetts. There was no campus Christian activity whatsoever. There were all sorts of clubs except for a Christian club. Faith did not seem to enter in most of the conversations. I did find out that one of my classmates is "Christian". We were both doing an internship at the New England Medical Center in Boston then and we got to talking about faith and such. I just saw her last reunion. She is now working in this fabulous Christian health care center called Lawndale in Chicago. She still remembered that I went to Boston every weekend for Church. It was a 4 hour bus ride.

So I find myself now in the Midwest. It seems that family values are actually perceptively better preserved. In school we actually have an organization called Christian Medical and Dental Association. I attend the Women's Bible Study every week. Mostly to learn about other people's faith. In our church, we are big about inviting people to Bible studies and worship services. I figured if I understand where they are coming from it would be easier for me to extend an invitation to them.

So this past weekend, I attended a retreat with 4 wonderful first year students from the Women's Bible Study. It was just such a great thing to enjoy fellowship with them. We talked about school and faith. It was a luxury that is rarely available to us. One of the organizers of the retreat jokingly said that the IU people would get the reputation of being "non-participants". It's because at the end of the structured talks we ended up not mingling with other schools. We ended up just enjoying each other's company until way past midnight. We got back to our cabins and everybody else were asleep!

What was great about it too is that I was able to share some of beliefs of the Iglesia ni Cristo. I tried to explain why we believe that there must be one true Church. I think their reaction was that idea is impossible. They expect that they cannot possibly agree with all the teachings in their church and all denominations are just the same. At the very least, now, they know that there is a Church who believes that every teaching should have a Biblical basis. It should be possible that there is a Church that is doctrinally sound. Of course, with all humbleness and respect, we think we are that Church.

I also told them that we do not believe in the Trinity doctrine. We believe that there is only one God, he is a spirit with no flesh and bone. He is our Creator. He has no end and no beginning. Our Lord Jesus Christ is our Savior. He is a man in nature. He is the greatest and firstborn of all creations. He is not an ordinary man for he did not sin. We also worship Christ but not as equal to God. Our Almighty God is the Supreme Being who exalted Christ so that every knee should bow before him. But Christ himself would be subjected under God. I also asked them what would change for their faith if they think of God and Christ as distinct entities. One of them said that she's confused about the Trinity but it is to be expected because it is a "mystery". I may not have said it exactly but I was trying to say that the knowledge of the true God is important because that would lead to eternal life. Of course, I could not approximate the level of explanation a minister can offer to them. So hopefully, I can be like the Samaritan woman who said that she has heard the good news and instead of preaching the good news herself she invited the people to listen to the one who teaches.

I read some Christian blogs sometimes. It could be paralyzing. I marvel at the way they put their words together. They express their thoughts so well. So beautifully. So profoundly. They also talk about these great humanitarian acts they are doing. What do I have to say that could even compare? Then I read more carefully and then I realize that I can just write about simple truths that are so obvious to me and all the Iglesia ni Cristos. One particular blog mentioned that she was embarassed for Jesus who did not initally want to help this woman at first and quite possibly compared her to a dog. Embarassed for Jesus? Wow! Totally unthinkable. This story is in the book of Matthew. I would read it as another validation that our Lord Jesus Christ was not sent by God for everybody. God always sets apart His own and that is evident from the time there was a distinction between Seth and Cain.

At the retreat, the speaker introduced a "provocative" idea. Apparently to him, the idea that the main thing that God wants us to do is to glorify Him is a new revelation. Even my Sunday school kids probably already know that. If you ask them, what is the reason for our creation. They should be able to answer that we were created to honor and glorify God. It's just the way it is.

I feel I still have a lot to stay but I think it's time for me to sleep. Until next time then...

What's in a name?

You're probably wondering why I am writing so much. I just feel that I should write something before I sink into the abyss that is medical school, more specifically the last semester with the Boards looming over. You won't probably be hearing from me for a while. At least you shouldn't because as it is I am already behind one week in school :).

So I went to a retreat this past weekend. I will write about that next. I met two Esthers. They are both Koreans. Esther must be a common name for Koreans who describe themselves as Christians. I told both of them that my mom's name is Esther (her full name is actually Estrellita) and that I hardly meet any Esther in my age group. My dad's name, by the way, is Pastor. Not a few times I have been asked what my father's name is. I would say it and they would ask me for his first name. I would say Pastor is his first name not his title.

So on the drive back from Michigan, I started thinking of females I know personally who have Biblical names. For females I know Eve, Sarah, Rebecca, Rachel, Leah, Deborah, Miriam, Elizabeth, Priscilla, Mary, Maria, Magdalena, Ruth, Naomi, Keziah (one of Job's daughters), Martha among others. There are also the feminine forms like Jesusa, Danielle, Emmanuelle, Josephine, etc. I also know Faith, Charity, Hope, Joy, Grace, Love. There are also the gems like Ruby, Pearl, Gold. There are also names of places and one of which is my name in Acts 27:5. The city is now part of SW Turkey. It's definitely on my list of places to visit.

This morning as I was getting ready to leave camp to attend church in Detroit, the other girl who also woke up early asked me for my name. She then told me that her mom's name is also Myra. I told her that I hardly meet people here in the US who have the same name. I commented that it must be an older woman's name. She said that she did meet a 4-year-old Myra. The name must be regaining popularity :).
It was funny later on that the name of the minister's wife in the Detroit congregation is also Myra.

Growing up my parents told me that my name means "wonderful". So for the most part I just reveled in the fact that I have been named so aptly ;). In college, I met a Malaysian girl who told me that my middle name Tajan, means "to bear" in Malay. In Filipino, it means not to cry or stop crying. And of course my last name is Cruz which means cross. So if you put it all together my name means "wonderful to bear cross." I just hope that everyday I can live up to that :).

Shotgun Weddings

I got a call from a good friend in Philadelphia just a few minutes ago. She informed me that Armando got married last week. She was wondering if I knew about it. I still kept in touch occasionally with him even after I realized that I could not give up medical school for him. I remember calling him after failing my second Biochemistry exam sometime early November of my first year. Prior to that, I was thinking that I will just go through first year then drop out just to prove to myself that I could have been a doctor if I wanted to. I would just have happened to choose being a minister's wife because that's the more noble thing to do. But med school did not turn out to be a piece of cake. And I actually enjoyed learning. And at that point, I haven't even seen Armando for 2 years, who knows if I still liked him? There was also the nagging thought that there were only a couple of things I admired about him. One is that he is really dedicated to his duty. His ministry would be all that he would live for and he would always be content. I hardly meet people who are just always content with whatever they have or whatever they are doing. The other is that he is really good about making other people feel that he cares about them and their problems whether or not he does. Were those two qualities enough for me to spend the rest of my life with him? (I probably should also add that he is always on time and he loves to cook and clean. Also, my mom is going to kill me for this, but I thought he was a good kisser.) What about honesty, integrity, self-reliance, appreciativeness, sincerity, genuine good-heartedness? Only one thing was clear then, I was fixated on being a minister's wife at all cost. I somehow thought that if I marry a minister, that would validate that I am a "good girl". After all, all good girls marry ministers, right? It sounds all so incredulous now. But at one point, I must have fully believed that in my heart.

So that Novermber I told him that there's really no point of me hanging on to the relationship when I knew it could not be my priority at the moment. He also understood that being the firstborn in my family I had the obligation to support them financially. He used to say that he would send the official request to marry me as soon as he graduates. But he then realized a lot of factors were working against us. He said he would not send the request for me since he knew I will just say no. Besides he figured that I would have not been happy being a stay at home wife and mother just fully devoting my time to taking care of my family. He said that I would just have regrets. Plus, of course, he said his mom doesn't like me for him because "hindi niya ako kaya". That roughly translates to that I am too independent for her to control. Armando is 34 years old. It is such a shame that he puts so much stock to his mom's irrational thoughts. But in a way, I am glad that she feels that way. I would have been so laden with guilt if my pursuit of education would have been the only reason why I was not marrying him. I did ask him later, if I were to decide right then and there to pack up my bags and go would he have married me? He said no. It hurt a lot then but I am glad that he did say no. He essentially made the decision for the both of us. It is somehow comforting that I did not have to make the final decision.

So I told my friend in Philadelphia that I last spoke with him in October and at the time no date was set yet. He had requested permission from the Church administration to court the girl back in August. He just arrived in the congregation April 2006. He was resolute that he would marry soon. They are granted permission to marry upon graduation from ministry school. He just felt that it was time and there was no reason for delay. Apparently, he started talking to her in May. So, he only knew the girl for almost 4 months before he made the decision that she was the one he would marry. I asked him how did he know she was the one. Apparently the minister in his congregation encouraged him to marry this girl. Of course, I had to ask him if she was "better" than me? You know, I am just so full of myself. I cannot possibly believe that he could find a nicer,smarter, sweeter person than me so quickly. He said that he agrees but he was not necessarily looking for someone "better". He just wanted someone "good enough". And she happens to be so. And he did pray for guidance on this. He just felt that God has given her to him as an answer to his prayers. So, how can I argue with that? I guess to end this ranting, I must say that I am happy for them. I think love in whatever form is always a blessing. I am sure that God has brought them together because they are perfect for each other. So I wish them well..

Also, one of the other ex-bfs, (i dated him briefly after one of my breakups with Armando) called last week (yes, mom, the navy guy). I had to break up with him because I thought I still had feelings for Armando. Plus of course, our personalities just did not match. Apparently he went home to the Philippines last month for a vacation. He met this girl who he thought was madly in love with him. He married her within 4 days of meeting her! Of course, I had to ask again if she is "better" than me? I could really be so childish sometimes. Interestingly enough he said no but she was "puwede na" or good enough. So, I couldn't help but wonder (borrowed from a Carrie Bradshaw line), at what point do we settle for "good enough"?

You Wanted Pictures

Here goes some pictures from last December...


Multinational Women of Mount Holyoke
Glenda, Dallas, Tx; me, Philippines; Edith, El Salvador; Krysia, Peru
Upper West Side, New York City


With honorary nephew/little buddy James (Glenda's son)



With Glenda, Edith and their kids
American Museum of Natural History


Ladies who Lunch in Medical School
L-R Miranda, Samantha, Charlotte, Carrie ;)
(Christi, Molly, Wei, me)
Wei's birthday dinner, Maggiano's Indianapolis

Moms of St. Louis, Missouri Group Worship Service who kindly adopted me for the New Year's weekend


New Year's Eve 2006 with friends in St. Louis

Coffee?

I don't drink coffee. When I was young, my mom told me that coffee would only make me "nervous" and it would cause me to shake. I did try drinking coffee but I never developed a taste for it. I don't need coffee in the morning to wake me up, I don't need coffee at night to keep me awake. Besides, I don't think anything is so important that I have to pull an all-nighter for it.

So, I got an email from my mentor earlier today. We have a mentoring program at school between female students and women physicians. I am actually one of the coordinators of the program, so being that I am interested in pediatric radiology, I paired myself up with a pediatric radiologist. The subject line said "meet?". Hmmm, I thought to myself, I just shadowed her a couple of weeks ago why would we need to meet again. It turns out she copied a pediatric gastroenterologist in the e-mail. When I shadowed her she mentioned that she knows of this Filipino doctor and I should definitely get to know him. I said that I haven't really met all the Filipino doctors at school but would certainly be interested in meeting all of them in the future. So we tried paging the doctor but he didn't answer the page so she figured he must be on vacation.

She also emailed me last week encouraging me to do radiology research over the summer. Now, she's saying in the email that she thinks we should collaborate with this Filipino doctor. So, I also got copied on his response to her and he gave his pager number. I sent an email to both of them saying that I am looking forward to working with both of them. Then I got another email from my mentor saying that she thinks maybe I should "meet him for coffee just because he is a nice and young faculty (on your own...)".

Hmm, I thought to myself, could she be playing matchmaker ;). (I translated her email via my twisted hopelessly romantic head to read as: he's single and available.) But then I thought that would be silly. There must be all sorts of rules about faculty dating students. Besides, he is probably married with kids. My imagination surely runs wild sometimes haha.

But I figured, sure I should ask him to meet for coffee sometime. So, I paged him. He called right back. But all the while I was talking to him, I was thinking why should I ask him to meet for coffee when I don't even drink coffee. Then I thought maybe lunch but then it's always crowded at the cafeteria during lunch. Dinner? Well, dinner is a bit much. Why does this feel that I am about to ask him out on a date or something? I'd rather be dead than ask a boy out :). So, in short I didn't have the nerve to ask him to meet for coffee. I was kinda nervous talking to him. I was not really paying attention since these questions were running through my head. He was trying to explain his interest in the short gut syndrome. For the life of me, I couldn't say something intelligent about this syndrome. It must be the syndrome where the gut is short, haha. Then he asked me what's my plan, I guess that's the part where I was supposed to ask if he would like to meet for coffee sometime to continue the discussion. I just said that I don't have a plan. I said something lame like I didn't even know I'm supposed to do research. He said he will talk to my mentor and discuss possibilities. He said that I should definitely keep in touch. He also asked earlier where I live. I probably should have asked him where he (and his family) lives so I would have found out if he's married or not. But I did find out when he graduated from medical school so I have a rough idea of how old he is. But anyways, I just can't believe that at my age I have difficulty asking someone out for friendly coffee. I guess I am just an old-fashioned sixteen year old girl at heart! :)

Passing Out

A funny thing happened to me the other day. Last Thursday, to be exact. It was the day before the start of our final exams. For a few weeks now I have been excited about life in general. I was excited about studying and getting through this semester. I was excited about the new people I have met. I was excited about friendships deepened and renewed. I was excited about trying to learn how to cook. I was excited about traveling to New York City. I was excited about the yearend Thanksgiving worship service. I was really excited about life in general!

Just to give you a snapshot of just the week leading up to Thursday. The previous Thursday, our class had a field trip to the Indiana Medical History museum. Our neuroanatomy class finished early so I asked my friend Joe if he wanted to have lunch at the cafeteria. Typically, on Thursdays I attend a Bible study session at school but that day I decided to skip. They were having a Christmas party and we members of the Iglesia ni Cristo (Church of Christ) do not celebrate the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ the same way other people do. (I'll probably post regarding this subject one of these days). So I got my food from McDonald's and Joe suggested that I go ahead and look for seats. As I was looking for vacant seats, guess who I saw eating by himself? Yep, our very handsome Rheumatology prof who I strongly suspect is gay. But for that moment, I temporarily suspended this bit of info and just enjoyed the opportunity to have lunch with him. Then Friday was my trip to New York City. Spent the night at a friend's place in Times Square. The city is just so alive even at 2 in the morning. The next day I met with some college friends and their families. We took the kids to the Museum of Natural History. We also walked around the Rockefeller Center. Then back again to Indianapolis. The next week was our devotional prayer for Thanksgiving worship service so I would go to school, attend classes, go to the library until about 5:30 p.m., go home and then head to the devotional prayer.

So to make the long story short, Thursday night, I was feeling calm. I was even commenting to myself that this is great. I was not at all stressed out for the finals. I was not tired or anxious. Then during the officer's prayer for the worship service, my back started to ache, my left eye started twitching followed by my right eye. I sat down in the middle of the prayer hoping the feeling will go away. When the choir started the processional, I was debating whether to follow. In the end, I did. Apparently, I lost consciousness after that. But the funny thing is they said that I walked at least 20 steps until I finally fell on the Christmas tree. There was a covered-up tree in the hall we are renting for the worship service. It was my very first time passing out. But all is well with me now. I have finished my Pathology and Neuroanatomy exams. I just have two more exams and this semester will be no more. And yes, I am taking things a little bit slower, talking slower, walking slower, driving slower, taking on less responsibilities. I finally have an excuse for not being on the go all the time. My body would just not tolerate a fast-paced life ;).

Quick Hello!

Here's just a quick hello to my few but faithful readers :). I wish that you would all leave a comment or two so I know that you like hearing from me. Maybe I'll be more inspired to write. Speaking of being inspired, the Gap is selling this red T-shirt with the word INSPI(RED). It's really cute, for a good cause plus red is my favorite color. Maybe, I'll get a shirt one of these days. Or if you are thinking of buying me a present... (hint! hint! ;)) So, what's up with me? I'm here again in our library on a Friday night. Alas, no date except for Mr. Robbins (our Pathology text)! We'll be done with the semester in just 19 days. I'm trying my best to fill my head with endless details. Sometimes I get overwhelmed with all the material. But I just remind myself that I don't have to know everything right now.

There's something about the 1st day of the month that always puts me on a good mood. Could it be the promise of new beginnings? Could it be the satisfaction of having lived another month well?

I'm sure you also want to hear about my "boy stories". Sorry, I have nothing but bad news to deliver in this department :). I met this cute professor who happened to be born and raised in the Philippines. But unfortunately, I strongly suspect that he is gay. I think I have also mentioned before that I have a crush on one of my classmates. I knew he had a girlfriend last schoolyear. I subsequently learned that they already broke up. But I just learned the other day that he had another girlfriend over the summer. I guess that means, he is not interested in me at all.
Oh well, I must have just imagined that we had some sort of connection.

That's it for now. I need to hit the books again!

October Glamor Nights

Northern Midwest Musical GEM- Chicago, IL Oct. 14, 2006



With the District Minister, Bro. Raniel and sisters from Milwaukee

With friend Geremay




Regina's Wedding Day- Castaway, Burbank, CA, October 21, 2006



PSHS Batch 1992 - [L to R: Monette, Veronica, Ezra, Melissa, Faye (Choy's wife) and me]





Single gals unite!





With lovely couple Choy and Faye






With the bride


With the bride and groom

September pics

9/3/2006 Wyndham Hotel- Schaumburg, IL
Still waiting for the one to teach me how to swim :).



9/4/2006 Sack race-Team Indianapolis (Round Lake Beach, IL)



9/11/2006 Viand Bar and Kitchen - Magnificent Mile, Chicago
Mini-reunion with high school classmates Mich Z. and George P.

Pity Party is Over

This post is for my family and friends who might be worried that I am still sad. I have been praying a lot lately asking for guidance on how I can better manage my emotions. (Incidentally, we had a whole lecture in Psychiatry class about defense mechanisms!). I think I am ok now. It started last night, we had an online exam to take this weekend. I was fully expecting to fail on first try (we have 2 chances of passing). I have only studied one week of 3 weeks of lecture. But thankfully, I passed. So instead of stressing about retaking and studying for the test on this fine Sunday afternoon, I am posting here once again :). I still have to study the other 2 weeks eventually but being the procrastinator that I am, I will gladly delay that task. I went to bed happy that despite all the grief going through my head I have managed to still learn my neuroanatomy. I even wondered that maybe all this emotional turmoil is helping me retain the material hehe.

Then I woke up early. Very not typical for me on a Sunday morning. I even had time to straighten my hair. Drove to church for the 10:00 AM service. We have choir practice right before the worship service. The hymns sounded more special than ever. One chorus goes - " O to be near the Father I adore, And to hear the love in his voice, Will end my heartaches and my tears; And forever more I will rejoice."
After performing in the adult worship service, I then changed into my white uniform for the Children's Worship Service. The lesson was about the time our Lord Jesus Christ sent his eleven disciples to make disciples of people everywhere, after his resurrection, before he ascended to heaven. I felt very energized. We had lots of children attending from as far away as Kentucky. The children recited verses after the service. I also congratulated those who participated and won medals in the districtwide Family Olympics held in Round Lake Beach, IL (1 hour north of Chicago) last Labor Day.

After the service, we had a meeting for all Binhi/Kadiwa members. These are the organizations for the unmarried baptized members of the Church. Being the Kadiwa President, I enumerated to the attendees our planned activities for the next few months. We are planning to go to GreatTimes where they have miniature golf, go-karts and games. We will also go bowling and ice skating.

After the meeting, I went to my car and took out my doctoring instruments. I practiced taking blood pressure on several people at Church. It was really fun knowing that I am acquiring new skills. I then realized God has placed me exactly where I need to be. I may not be married to a minister but that does not mean I cannot accomplish my missions in life. One of which is to be a blessing to other people. The other could be to say something funny at least once a day :). So there, I am appreciating the good things I have in life, knowing that I am making a contribution. And yes, daydreaming sometimes hope against hope that there may still be a minister out there for me when I am ready :).

Crying in Public

I didn't realize that I was in so much pain until I cried in public today. I have joined a noon time Bible study group at school. We read a couple of passages today. One of which is Proverbs 31:10-31. The one about the characteristics of a good wife. God knows how I so want to be a great wife and mother. I also want to be a great doctor. I had an 8-year on-again, off-again relationship with A. I thought he was the one. I was looking forward to being a great minister's wife. With the stresses of my first year in medical school plus the burden of a long distance relationship, I lost faith that things could work out between us. After all, there was no certainty that in case we would get married that I can still continue to be in medical school and work afterwards. Typically the ministers' wives do not work. There are some who do so there is a small possibility that something can be worked out. Long distance marriages are also not common. My medical school is here in Indianapolis and he is in Calamba, Laguna. I have heard of ministers in some Asian countries and the Middle East who do not bring their wives with them. So in theory, there's also a slim chance that a long-distance marriage while I am in medical school can be worked out. But again the possibility is very slim.

I thought I was over him. He had said some hurtful things in the past, the last of which was in June. I had the willpower not to call him for about 2.5 months. He told me way back in June that he thinks he might be falling for someone else in the congregation where he was assigned right after his graduation last March. When I spoke to him the other day, he said he thinks that she might be the one he would marry. I thought it was so unfair. For 8 years, it took a lot of effort from me to make the relationship work. Now, he meets this girl for 4-5 months and he's ready to marry her? My first instinct is to fight, fight, fight! I have worked so hard to make the relationship work. But maybe that is a red flag. I should not have to work hard for a relationship to work. If it is meant to be, it is meant to be. I think this is my insecurity in life. I am afraid that I will end up marrying somebody that I am not passionately in love with. Is it better to be with someone you love or to be with someone who deserves your love? I know God has a special plan for me. I look back in the past 8 years and the "bad times" in the relationship have actually led me to this day, one day closer to becoming a doctor. If things were always so rosy between us, I would have not have left Philadelphia where we met. I really feel privileged to be in this path of being able to help others in their suffering. I just need to not dwell in the state of my relationships or the lack thereof.

Anyways, at the end of the Bible study, we had some prayer requests. And I requested that may God show me the right path to sort through this rough emotions. One of my classmates prayed for me. It's typical for people at Church to shed a tear or two during heartfelt prayers since everybody's eyes are close anyways. I don't think everybody's eyes were closed during the Bible study so it was slightly embarassing for me to show emotions. But I could not help that the silent tears just kept coming. I don't know what the tears were really for, for losing an idealized imperfect love, for the fear of not loving again or for the guilt that I lack faith that God will provide for all my needs?

First Couple of Days

I just finished Day 2 of my sophomore year in medical school. It's great to be back. I was a little anxious last week of the amount of work that lie ahead. But slowly but surely, I am back to my carefree ways. I figured if I have made it this far, the next year should be manageable. :)

I am trying something new this semester. I am totally focusing on schoolwork! Since my senior year in high school about 15 years ago, I have worked while being in school. It's great not to have to work this time around.

I am also excited that I get to know more classmates in depth this year. I still hang out with close friends from last year. It's nice to get to know them even more. I also get to meet other classmates through school activities. I love meeting new people and connecting with them. Almost always there's something about them that inspires me. More often than not, they are sweet, caring and fun. They truly make medical school more enjoyable.

Castaway Ending

I just caught the last few minutes of the ending of this Tom Hanks movie.
"Who knows what the tide could bring?", he rhetorically asked. I echo his hopefulness as I am about to begin my second year in medical school.

I remember last year we took the Myers-Briggs test as a tool to enhance our self-awareness. I'm the ENFP type, otherwise categorized as "most optimistic".
What's your type?

Ghetto Life

Yep. I live in the ghetto. By choice, really. It gives me satisfaction that I own my little house. I currently don't have to worry about mortgage nor rent. I sold half of my duplex house to an old friend. So, essentially I live in a one-bedroom house (more like an apartment) about 600 square feet in area plus basement. The space is plenty for me as I hardly own much plus I rarely entertain guests. I did not grow up in an "entertaining" house, we're more accustomed to being guests rather than hosts. I have lived here for more than a couple of years now. There has been no major incidents so far in terms of threats to my personal safety. There are the occasional annoyances: stolen burning car next door, stolen outgoing mail, stolen center caps of my hubcap, and most recently shredded car antenna. No big deal, really.

So what has inspired me to write about my neighborhood? Today, I was playing hookie from work. Or I should say, I'm working from home :). So, I decided to walk over to the bank as I usually do. I typically don't carry my purse around just by common sense. I just bring the check I need to deposit plus my photo ID. The bank as well as the grocery store is just a short walk from the alley behind my house. I then noticed a couple of police cars at the bank's parking lot. Inside the bank, I saw the officers talking to an old lady. It turns out that she was robbed in broad daylight a few minutes before I got to the bank! The bank tellers were saying that it was the 5th robbery in front of the bank in the last 3 months (not even counting actual robberies inside the bank). They told me to be careful. I told them that I need not worry since I typically don't have any money on me.

So, I walked back home and I see this car parked behind my neighbor's house. I just know that new neighbors had recently moved in. The woman in the car said hello. So I chirpily responded to the woman and the man with her, "Oh, are you my new neighbors?". She said no and that they were just looking at the house. I asked if the house was for sale. She said no. And then it hit me that she must be one of the "pretty women" plying my neighborhood.

So, that's a slice of my life here in the 'hood. I don't mind living here at all. It certainly makes for colorful stories. :)

Best Dad in the World

Happy Birthday, Daddy!

It's my dad's 58th birthday today. I used to think of my dad as the anti-romantic hero. No flowers to my mom ever. No chocolates. No sweet nothings. But throughout the years I have appreciated him more and more. :) His devotion to family is matchless! He is God-fearing, selfless, hardworking, loyal, faithful, and loving. What could be more romantic than all of that and more combined?

Bridesmaid Dresses

I am scouting for good tickets to California for a friend's wedding in October.
I am really happy for her that she found her "the one". As I think about weddings, I count the number of times I have been a bridesmaid. Six times! Here are a couple of pictures.



Channeling Marilyn in Bloomington, Indiana (July 2005)



Wedding by a Seattle beach (June 2005)