September pics

9/3/2006 Wyndham Hotel- Schaumburg, IL
Still waiting for the one to teach me how to swim :).



9/4/2006 Sack race-Team Indianapolis (Round Lake Beach, IL)



9/11/2006 Viand Bar and Kitchen - Magnificent Mile, Chicago
Mini-reunion with high school classmates Mich Z. and George P.

Pity Party is Over

This post is for my family and friends who might be worried that I am still sad. I have been praying a lot lately asking for guidance on how I can better manage my emotions. (Incidentally, we had a whole lecture in Psychiatry class about defense mechanisms!). I think I am ok now. It started last night, we had an online exam to take this weekend. I was fully expecting to fail on first try (we have 2 chances of passing). I have only studied one week of 3 weeks of lecture. But thankfully, I passed. So instead of stressing about retaking and studying for the test on this fine Sunday afternoon, I am posting here once again :). I still have to study the other 2 weeks eventually but being the procrastinator that I am, I will gladly delay that task. I went to bed happy that despite all the grief going through my head I have managed to still learn my neuroanatomy. I even wondered that maybe all this emotional turmoil is helping me retain the material hehe.

Then I woke up early. Very not typical for me on a Sunday morning. I even had time to straighten my hair. Drove to church for the 10:00 AM service. We have choir practice right before the worship service. The hymns sounded more special than ever. One chorus goes - " O to be near the Father I adore, And to hear the love in his voice, Will end my heartaches and my tears; And forever more I will rejoice."
After performing in the adult worship service, I then changed into my white uniform for the Children's Worship Service. The lesson was about the time our Lord Jesus Christ sent his eleven disciples to make disciples of people everywhere, after his resurrection, before he ascended to heaven. I felt very energized. We had lots of children attending from as far away as Kentucky. The children recited verses after the service. I also congratulated those who participated and won medals in the districtwide Family Olympics held in Round Lake Beach, IL (1 hour north of Chicago) last Labor Day.

After the service, we had a meeting for all Binhi/Kadiwa members. These are the organizations for the unmarried baptized members of the Church. Being the Kadiwa President, I enumerated to the attendees our planned activities for the next few months. We are planning to go to GreatTimes where they have miniature golf, go-karts and games. We will also go bowling and ice skating.

After the meeting, I went to my car and took out my doctoring instruments. I practiced taking blood pressure on several people at Church. It was really fun knowing that I am acquiring new skills. I then realized God has placed me exactly where I need to be. I may not be married to a minister but that does not mean I cannot accomplish my missions in life. One of which is to be a blessing to other people. The other could be to say something funny at least once a day :). So there, I am appreciating the good things I have in life, knowing that I am making a contribution. And yes, daydreaming sometimes hope against hope that there may still be a minister out there for me when I am ready :).

Crying in Public

I didn't realize that I was in so much pain until I cried in public today. I have joined a noon time Bible study group at school. We read a couple of passages today. One of which is Proverbs 31:10-31. The one about the characteristics of a good wife. God knows how I so want to be a great wife and mother. I also want to be a great doctor. I had an 8-year on-again, off-again relationship with A. I thought he was the one. I was looking forward to being a great minister's wife. With the stresses of my first year in medical school plus the burden of a long distance relationship, I lost faith that things could work out between us. After all, there was no certainty that in case we would get married that I can still continue to be in medical school and work afterwards. Typically the ministers' wives do not work. There are some who do so there is a small possibility that something can be worked out. Long distance marriages are also not common. My medical school is here in Indianapolis and he is in Calamba, Laguna. I have heard of ministers in some Asian countries and the Middle East who do not bring their wives with them. So in theory, there's also a slim chance that a long-distance marriage while I am in medical school can be worked out. But again the possibility is very slim.

I thought I was over him. He had said some hurtful things in the past, the last of which was in June. I had the willpower not to call him for about 2.5 months. He told me way back in June that he thinks he might be falling for someone else in the congregation where he was assigned right after his graduation last March. When I spoke to him the other day, he said he thinks that she might be the one he would marry. I thought it was so unfair. For 8 years, it took a lot of effort from me to make the relationship work. Now, he meets this girl for 4-5 months and he's ready to marry her? My first instinct is to fight, fight, fight! I have worked so hard to make the relationship work. But maybe that is a red flag. I should not have to work hard for a relationship to work. If it is meant to be, it is meant to be. I think this is my insecurity in life. I am afraid that I will end up marrying somebody that I am not passionately in love with. Is it better to be with someone you love or to be with someone who deserves your love? I know God has a special plan for me. I look back in the past 8 years and the "bad times" in the relationship have actually led me to this day, one day closer to becoming a doctor. If things were always so rosy between us, I would have not have left Philadelphia where we met. I really feel privileged to be in this path of being able to help others in their suffering. I just need to not dwell in the state of my relationships or the lack thereof.

Anyways, at the end of the Bible study, we had some prayer requests. And I requested that may God show me the right path to sort through this rough emotions. One of my classmates prayed for me. It's typical for people at Church to shed a tear or two during heartfelt prayers since everybody's eyes are close anyways. I don't think everybody's eyes were closed during the Bible study so it was slightly embarassing for me to show emotions. But I could not help that the silent tears just kept coming. I don't know what the tears were really for, for losing an idealized imperfect love, for the fear of not loving again or for the guilt that I lack faith that God will provide for all my needs?